


Holding Water In My Hands, But It Never Last, Slipping Through My Fingers

by Vilabelle



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-25 09:04:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12032646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilabelle/pseuds/Vilabelle
Summary: Even though my life was the farthest thing from a fairytale, I choose to believe that I got a better deal than Prince Charming or Prince Eric for example, considering the circumstances that 1: I was not a rich prince, and 2: my love story didn’t start with a Cinderella that took my breath away after one dance.Season 4 re-write from a different point of viewTitle is inspired by Astrid S' song "Does She Know"





	1. Everything Happens For A Reason

We learn in school that every force changes a momentum, and every action has an equal opposite reaction. As butterflies could cause hurricanes and storms on the other side of the world, a simple human action could change the lives of many people. The choices made by people before us created the world we live in today, a world where technology and money replace the worth of human, where the strong take out the weak, and where personal interest exceed the benefit of all. But still, in places capitalists and hunger hadn’t invaded yet, in the hearts and eyes that never seen the ugliness of the outside world before them, people still work everyday to make themselves a better life, and although none of us know the exact consequences of our choices, and while the future is still unknown, we do our best to fix our fuck ups, to make the mistakes of our ascendants less crucial, knowing that our options are still open, and somewhat, somehow, our choices today are the seeds that will grow to results tomorrow, and the happiness we seek can only be made by us.

 

Even though my life was the farthest thing from a fairytale, I choose to believe that I got a better deal than Prince Charming or Prince Eric for example, considering the circumstances that 1: I was not a rich prince, and 2: my love story didn’t start with a Cinderella that took my breath away after one dance.

When I was 12, my mom got cancer for the first time, the doctors discovered a tumor in her breast when she was having a casual check-up, lucky for us, it was still in its early stages, and while she had to battle that illness, my father found it as an opportunity to divorce her, marry a younger, richer blond woman, and never look back.

It took my mom 2 years to heal and recover from cancer, but the pain of abandonment was hard to erase. I took it upon myself to look after my mother since I was a teenager, and as she started gradually started to collect the pieces of her heart back together, there was still fear she was going to get sick again, that’s why she was once again, taking a biopsy.

 

I was a 20 years old guy who works at a kindergarten and knows a lot about Disney Princesses from the books and movies he reads and watches with kids, and in his free time, hangs out with a bunch of weird guys like him, finding themselves and exploring things like the typical Norwegian boys. Except that they were not very Norwegian.

My friendship with those boys was so important to me, they were as close as actual siblings, we did everything together, it was never hard to create a connection between brown guys coincidentally meeting at a gym class in school, but again, was it really a coincidence? We went and stayed at each other’s houses, celebrated holidays together, even our families hang out together in many occasions.

Elias was the closest to me of them, we understood each other very well, like two peas in a pot, and alway have each other’s backs. It’s why we play on the same team whenever we had a basketball or a football match, and why we decided to start a YouTube channel so he could impress a girl from school that he has for so long liked.

 

It also didn’t hurt that I had a big fat crush on his little sister.

 

Sana was barely 16 when I first met her, smart and bold and takes no shit from anyone, let alone her older brother and his friends. I always admired her from afar, silently clapping for her from the back whenever she throws a snarky comment at her brother. But slowly and increasingly, she grew on me, and my heart would take a little leap whenever her beautiful face showed up at the living room at her house where we usually hang out.

I’ve gotten used to the boys teasing me since I confessed a long time ago to Adam about my feelings for Elias’s little sister, and of course, Adam being Adam, he didn’t wait a second to spread the news between the boys. Even Elias would wiggle his eyebrows at me with a sly grin every time Sana was in the same room with us.

 

But things weren’t always going okay.

One of my friends, Even, had an episode and was going to kill himself, and to cure himself, he started reading the Quran and posting verses about homosexuals going to hell. At a result, faith stopped making sense to me, and my relationship with God was shaken. I didn’t believe anymore, I couldn’t, not when my life was upside down, not when Even was doubting his life’s worth because of the ‘word of God’.

 

My shift of believes was never an issue, not to my family, not my friends or anybody else. I never had to validate why I stopped having faith in a God because I always made sure to keep the good lessons I learned from Islam with me, I didn’t drink even though I could, I never slept around with girls, always made sure that I’m respectful to all people and abiding to the rules everywhere.

 

It was never an issue, until I told Sana about it.

 

 

+++++

 

 

“Why don’t you believe in Allah?” We were sitting on a bench next to a basketball court on our way home one day. We weren’t planning on spending the day together, but Elias was drunk and she was the only one I know who could handle him. One thing lead to another, and we were playing basketball using a volleyball we found ditched on the road. 

To say that I didn’t see that question coming up at one point or another would be a lie, but it didn’t sound like an accusation, it was like she genuinely wanted to understand.

I told Sana about Even and what happened to him, how it was more important to me to be a good person and have compassion than to follow a religion. She didn’t judge, and only listened to understand. She talked about how important her faith was to her, how it made sense to her and gave her the peace she seeks. It was fascinating to get a slight look at how her brain worked, how a girl who believes in science can also believe in a God just as much. To listen to someone talk about it in such a way that could only leave you in awe, speechless.

 

“Every little part of the universe is complex. Imagine! Even the brain of the cockroach has a bigger purpose on earth! It comes down to every single little detail. And I.. I just can’t believe that all of this is random”

 

There is truth to what she was saying, or at least something that I agree on with her. Because I’m thinking of my life, despite the struggles I face, there has to be a reason why everything happens, why people are divided, why humans and animals exist together, why the sun rises and sets. A reason why I am here, having this talk with her.

I found myself biting down my lips, pushing down thoughts that creeped into my mind as I stared at her face, it didn’t help my beating heart looking at the perfect cuts of her face, clean and has barely any makeup on, except for the little smudged grey color on her eyelids, how I could count her lashes as she looked down at her hand on her lap. She looked at me back for a moment and her eyes were as if they were asking me to understand her, to have my heart open for her, she didn’t knew it already was.

 

Our next stop was a great field of bluebells, where they grew on both sides of the road, forming and earthly paradise. Sana found herself a seat again and settled down while I slowly walked with the ball in my hand.

I stopped for a moment to look around, careful not to look too much at her as she sat between the flowers, preventing myself from saying the cheesy idea that I had, how she was the most beautiful flower of them all.

“You know what bluebells symbolize?” I asked her standing a few meters before her. She tilted her head with a beaming face waiting for the rest of the sentence. It was my chance to pretend I had something as smart to say as cockroaches having nine antibiotic molecules in their tiny brains. I picked a few flowers, throwing the extra leaves away. “They represent humility and gratitude” I kept the part of it representing ‘everlasting love’ for myself.

I walked to her, a small bunch of bluebells between my fingers, and I presented them to her. “And I’m feeling some kind of gratitude now”

Sana raised her gaze from the flowers in my hands to me, her lips forming the widest smile. “Are these for me?”

I shrugged. “You gave me a valuable science lesson today, so..”

She giggled. “You’re weird!”

“I know. Just take them, Sana”

She took the flowers delicately from my fingers, and the brush of her skin against mine sent another wave of warmth through my body, and I could feel the goosebumps everywhere. Sana tucked the flower on her hijab, like the little girl we see in every cartoon then turned to me. “How do I look?”

‘Beautiful’, ‘gorgeous’, ‘heavenly’, I wanted to say, but I only nodded lightly. “Lovely” 

Neither of us was aware of the time that passed with us sitting there until I received a text from my mom asking if I was going to be home anytime soon, and ‘bring some milk’.

 

We continued on the path toward her house, it was getting dark, the cold breeze gently hitting our faces while our hands hid in our jackets, looking for some heat to wrap around the tips of our fingers. The silence between us wasn’t awkward, but relaxing, and I felt that we knew each other more.

She glanced at me few times while we were walking and I saw her smiling to me, sweet a genuine and content. I smiled back each time.

When we were finally in front of her house we stood opposite of each other. Our eyes were locked together, and I swear I could see something in hers, something that tells me that she felt for me the same I did for her, or at least a little of it, and I wanted to look into her more, just to make sure I wasn’t reading anything wrong.

“Are you looking into my eyes now?” She was blinking a lot, like she wanted to look away but couldn’t. She smiled shyly, the street light reflecting on her face, showing me her reddened cheeks and nose. “I’m very unsure because it looks like you’re...”

She laughs with her whole face, eyes squinting, dimples deepening, teeth showing. “I’m looking into your eyes now” She confirms.

“Very good. Okay” We look at each other silently more. It was cold, and it wasn’t very pleasant to wait outside for long as the temperature got lower with the night falling, but for some reason, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her face. I would’ve kissed her right that moment if my brain wasn’t slapping itself, waking me up from my fantasies, so I just rolled my eyes trying to wave away the crazy thoughts.

“But.. what was I saying?” It was more to myself more than it was to her, she was still looking at me with the softest grin. She too was shaking from the cold, and I thought I shouldn’t leave her waiting out for so long.

 

I opened my mouth to say something, but everything died before it reached the tip of my tongue. I didn’t know how to tell her how I really felt for her, and my brain was thinking too many things for me to choose one and say out loud.

 

Finally, I collected myself, took a deep breath and prayed to whoever would listen to not make this the worst thing ever. I took a step forward toward her, pulled my left hand out of the jacket pocket pulled her head a little closer to press my lips on her forehead, then went back to my respective place to look at her face. She was shocked, her eyes widened and her face so much redder, but the little tug of her lip made me release the breath I was holding.

“I’ll see you later. Go inside before you freeze” Sana nodded her head bashfully, her face beaming, even though she wasn’t looking at me anymore but to her intertwined fingers.

She walked toward the door of her house, and before she disappeared inside, she turned her head at me and gave my one last wide grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to delete the first version I posted for this fic because it needed some changes and editing, so I'm posting two chapters now.
> 
> This is my first fic posted here, I hope it's pleasant to read for yall.  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes in advance. I don't have a proof-reader/beta, but I tried my best to make sure it's not awfully full of errors. If there's anything you think I should fix please let me know.
> 
> I am so grateful for the great gift of Sana Bakkoush. Although the last season lacked so many things and left so many questions unanswered, I will always have great respect for Julie Andem and what she had created, a character that means so much to me, and could relate to and understand more than any other character on any other show.
> 
> The writing process is not finished yet so I don't know how long it will take me to post each chapter, but I hope it won't take over a week till the next one.


	2. Hesitation

It was 10:30 AM, a calm beautiful Thursday morning. I was sitting in the backyard of the kindergarten having a cup of coffee and watching a dance routine on my phone during my short 20 minutes break when Karin came and joined me at the table, taking the only other chair next to me.

She let out a deep sigh as she dropped her arms and head on the table in an exhausting manner. “I need at least a gallon of coffee”

Leave it for Karin to show up hungover in a work day at a children's school. I mentally prepared myself for the great job of fixing that in the next 15 minutes so no kid will be yelled at and no adult will be in trouble. “Rough night?”

Her hair was covering her face when she lifted her head off the table, and her eyes closed. “Great night. Rough morning” She corrected me with half a smirk, grabbing my coffee when I offered it to her.

“You know Mari is going to kill you if she saw you like that?”

“Why do you think I’m out here, huh?” She didn’t seem like she was planning on giving me that cup back because she was already half way through it. “I gave David 50 Kroners to take my turn during the circle, so I am now broke for the day and still hungover as fuck. So stop judging me”

“I’m not judging you” I was, just for a little tiny bit, judging her.

“Then stop staring at me like I have a bird nest on my head!” She took another sip of the coffee.

I looked at her hair, it was a mess, and it didn’t help that she was blonde to see the resemblance. “Your hair...”

“Shut up and go get me more coffee, Yousef” It was smart now to get up and bring her coffee before she start to complain louder, we only had 15 more minutes more and I wouldn’t want the kids to be horrified by her. When I stood in front of the cashier there was a little pot with bluebells in it next to the machine, the same kind me and Sana saw that day. I smiled at the memory, and grabbed my phone to take a picture.

While I stood there waiting for the coffee to be ready, I thought I would send Sana the picture, but when I tried to upload it to our chat I was faced with a ‘you’re not friends with this person on Facebook’ message.

 

Did I do something wrong? Did I step the line with her when I kissed her forehead? I got confused because I was sure she was smiling when I did that, and she would’ve slapped me or walked away aggressively if it bothered her that much.

My thoughts got cramped together so quickly I almost missed the cashier lady calling for me to grab the coffee. I couldn’t think of anything besides what has gone wrong between me and Sana. We had a long deep talk about religion, and it gave me the impression that we were past that issue, or that at least we could work through it and not let it be an obstacle, because if I knew anything about Sana, it was that she cherished her religion above everything, and I wouldn’t want her to compromise it for anything, let alone me of all people.

 

I grabbed the coffee and walked outside to where Karin was waiting for her cup.

“What’s with the sudden frown?” She said when I dropped myself on the chair.

“Huh?” I turned my face toward her quickly, and realized that my eyebrows were knotted together in the middle of my face and the muscles started to hurt. “Nothing. I.. think I was wrong when I thought someone liked me”

“There’s someone you like?” Her tone was a little high it made me raise an eyebrow.

“Why are you so surprised?”

Karin put the first cup down after finishing to the last drop and grabbed the next one. “You always say you didn’t have a girlfriend but you turn down every suggestion of a girl we give you. I thought you were gay”

I shook my head. “She’s.. she’s someone I’ve known for years, younger than me, 1 million times smarter, and very religious”

“Catholic?”

“Muslim”

“Oh!” Karin raised her eyebrows in amusement, her face started to look less beaten that before. “And you’re not” It wasn’t a question, but more of a realization. I shook my head anyways.

I sighed. “We spent some time together on Friday and we had this moment where I was almost sure she was interested, but I just found out she blocked me on Facebook and now I’m.. confused?”

Karin took a moment before she spoke. “I say move on, clearly her religion is important to her, she doesn’t want to get involved with a guy who doesn’t share it with her”

“But I would never ask her to change anything or leave her believes behind for me” And I meant it. Sana’s faith was a huge part of who she is. I would punch myself in the face before I do anything that would suppress her. “Plus, all of her girlfriends are not Muslim”

Karin leant closer to me. “Yeah, but here’s the thing, they’re only her friends, you clearly don’t want to fall in that category, do you?” I shook my head negatively. “It seems to me that it’s important for her to have a partner who shares these stuff with her then she’s gonna close the door in the face of anything that may threaten that. You said it, she’s smart, but you’re looking in the wrong field, buddy”

 

Unfortunately, Karin actually made a lot of sense. Although, a huge part of me was shamefully hoping that Sana actually blocked me for doing something stupid without thinking, because that I know I can apologize for and make sure never happens again.

 

 

+++++

 

 

“Where are we going, Elias?” Adam asked for the hundredth time since we hopped into the car with Elias with no idea where we were going. All we knew that we were going to a party.

“We’re going to a..” Elias was going for the same answer he gave a hundred times before, but Adam being Adam, he wasn’t having it.

“A party. At SYNG. Got it. But who’s party is it?”

Elias rubbed his chin with his fingers, looking like being tempted of saying what he knows. All of us were looking at him now, waiting for him to give a clear answer, not that it would matter whose party it was or who was there anyways.

He finally cracked. Giving a deep sigh before speaking again. “Sana told me about it the other day, everyone at her school will be there” He paused for a moment, catching my eyes in the rear mirror as if to tell me something. “Everyone” He paused again, and I felt he knew something about me and Sana. “Including Even”

 

Okay then! It does matter after all.

 

It’s been a long time since any of us saw Even, not after he moved schools and stopped hanging out with us.

Last time we saw Even, he was in a bad place, and it seemed that nothing we did to help was doing him any good or at least changing anything.

I remember when he started posting these verses about homosexuality from the Quran, I remember when he confronted me with them, and I was at loss of words, not knowing how to think or what to tell him to make him feel better about it.

The truth is, nothing made him or me feel better.

Ever since then I was on the path of doubt, about God, about heaven and hell, about what’s right and what’s wrong.

 

“Even? Like.. our Even?” Mutta said, clenching on the back of Elias’s seat.

“Do we know any other Even?” Mikael asked, I couldn’t see his face from where he’s sitting in the passenger seat, but his tone was too serious for him, a little sad if I was correct, because after all, Mikael witnessed a lot of what happened with Even first hand, and was the closest of us to him at one time.

It’s not like I needed more stuff to stress about, because I’m probably going to see Sana there for the first time since that Friday when we played basketball together, and I was seriously unsure of how I’ll react, or how she will.

 

“Sana says he’s much better now, so we’ll just talk and chill and maybe connect again” All of us were silent, I could see Elias getting uncomfortable taking glances at our face in the mirror.

Adam finally broke the grim pose, moved closer to the driver’s seat and placed his hand with slap on Elias’s shoulder. “That’s right. We’re going to have a good time with our old buddy”

I approved with a ‘yup’ and a nod, high-fiving Adam and Elias, Mutta was smiling, Mikael on the other hand still seemed undetermined.

“Do you think he hates us?” Mikael asked with a sincere look in his eyes.

Elias hesitated for a second. I thought he was gonna say something sappy about how Even could never hate us. “I don’t know. We’ll find out”

 

First thing we notice when we walk in is the way people were gathering around the karaoke stage, the place was completely crowded, and almost everyone was looking at the stage except for few people in the back near the door.

I felt a tug on my arm, then looked to where Elias was looking, Even was holding the microphone, looking straight at us, and the music of John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ was playing but he wasn’t singing along anymore.

Even looked disturbed by our sight, like we were the last thing he expected or wanted to see. I heard Mutta and Adam whispering behind me but my mind wasn’t paying attention. All I did was take one look around, and there I see Sana, looking at me, a hint of a smile on her face.

I stayed staring at her for a moment until she looked away back to where a guy with a snapback joined Even and they both sang together, and brought everyone to sing along.

It would’ve been beautiful if my mind wasn’t stuffed with too many things. Knowing that we were gonna see Even after months since last time was something and actually being in the same place with him, seeing the scared unwelcoming look he had at us was something else. On top of everything, Sana was there, so ravishing it made my heart skip a beat.

 

I didn’t know what to do, last I knew she didn’t want anything to do with me, and I want to respect her choices and stay back, so I just walked with the boys toward the stage to meet Even.

Even was walking with the guy who was up singing with him, they were much more intimate with the kisses on cheeks they gave each other  to be just friends. His face was a little grey, was he not expecting us here?

 

“Hey” Elias started casually when we stood right in front of each other,  but Even didn’t reply, just looked at us in the eyes then stopped at Mikael.

“Can we talk outside?” Even said with a small voice rubbing his nose with his thumb, he then turned to the other boy who was looking at Mikael in a very concerning way. “I’ll be right back”

Mikael and Even walked out, we followed them with our gaze until they disappeared after the door. Snapback guy was approached by a few other guys, they were whispering while glancing at the door with curiosity and suspicion before they all walked outside.

 

Elias, Mutta and Adam were walking toward the exit to take a look at what was happening between Mikael and Even, I was about to follow them when I heard someone stepping behind me.

“Hi!” I turned my head around and I see Sana, my breath stuck at my throat for a moment before I fully moved to face her, forcing a smile that I hoped would hide my nervousness. “Hi”

“Did Elias tell you? About Even being here?” She asked.

I raised my eyebrows. Was that really all she wanted to talk about? “Yeah. On our way here!”

“I told him yesterday. I’m sorry if you guys needed to prepare for that beforehand” She glanced past my shoulder at Elias and the other guys talking together. “Even texted me and told me to invite Elias and.. all of you here”

“He’s outside talking to Mikael. But don’t worry, we all think it’s time to talk with him”

She smiled softly. “I hope it goes well”

Her eyes were shining when I looked at them, I could only pull a smile off and nod in agreement because everything in my head was running around and I couldn’t read her or what was she trying to do here. I had to drop the question.

 

“Why are you here?” That came out wrong, I realized because she gave a worried ‘Huh?’, so I explained more. “Why are you talking to me right now? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore”

The question seemed to have confused her, like she seriously didn’t know what I was talking about. “Why would you think that?”

“You.. kinda blocked me on Facebook? Right after we spent an evening together and had that.. moment!” The realization fell down on her as she looked away from my eyes and dropped her gaze to her feet.

“There’s some misunderstanding..”

I snorted. “Yeah! Clearly” A part of me felt guilty for speaking to her like that, she looked sheepish, and I wished I could take my last snarky comment back.

I took a deep breath. Trying to collect myself and not shout at her. I didn’t know why was I acting this way, but I remembered my conversation with Karin and all I wanted to do was put an end to the uncertainty. “Listen, if you need space, I’ll give you that. I won’t bother you anymore”

 

Her mouth opened to reply, but suddenly everything shifted. Before Sana could say anything we heard loud noises coming from outside and saw people turning around toward the door, the next thing we were out, running toward Elias, Adam and Mikael trying to untangle their hands of Even’s friends with Mutta.

“Elias! Elias, stop!” Sana was shouting at her brother, shoving him back, trying to prevent him from putting a guy in a chokehold.

When each group was on their own, I watched Sana go with the other boys to where Even was standing with Snapback guy who had his face covered in blood, so I walked after the boys.

“What the fuck, man?” I asked once I caught up with Elias and Mikael, both of them looking angry.

“That little shit is insane! He lost his fucking mind!” Elias blurted out. I looked back and found Even and the others still there, Sana with them, but none of them was talking or looking at her.

I ran back calling out for Even, trying to catch an opportunity to say something before they leave. I didn’t have anything to say, honestly, but felt this need to clear my side.

Even turned to look at me and only gave me a nod. I couldn’t understand what he meant by that, but I was out of breath as if I’ve been running and it wasn’t a good idea to tag along when I had no idea what the hell happened.

 

My eyes caught a movement beside me, and when I looked to my side, Sana was looking down at her hands, both splattered with blood. It took me a moment before it registered that it wasn’t hers, and her breath sounded rapid, on the edge of freaking out.

I placed a hand on her shoulder lightly, and her head snapped up to me, and I could see her face, broken and scared, her eyes teary. “Let’s go inside so you can wash that”

I stood by the bar waiting outside of the bathroom for Sana. I was going to walk her home when she gets out, and I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but I couldn’t just leave her alone in the state she was in after what just happened.

 

Meanwhile, I saw Noora walking in my direction, her face ashen and in shock. She stopped right in front of me, her mouth ajar.

“What’s wrong?” She was the last thing concerning me, but she looked like she was about to faint in her place if no one told her to breath.

She looked at my eyes. “William has a girlfriend” She said in a small voice.

“Who?”

Noora stepped closer to me, standing within my personal space, her face speaking so many things at once. “Yousef..” She brought her face close to mine, and I can feel her warm breath on my skin and see a single tear making its way on her cheek.

Noora was beautiful, she was the perfect pale blonde Norwegian girl, smart and funny and can take good care of herself, but even as I felt her lips on mine, all I could think about was the girl in the bathroom, the witty Moroccan girl with the attitude, the one I had my eyes on for the whole time.

All I could think about was her beaming face under the street lights in front of her house, her sparkling eyes that shined with so much life, her timid grin..

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

I pulled away from Noora immediately, lightly lowering her arms off of my shoulders. “I’m sorry. This.. I can’t..” Noora was confused to say the least, but then she took a step back and shook her head. She began apologizing before she ran into the bathroom, but I couldn’t hear any of what she had said as I watched Sana hurrying through the crowd to the door.

My heart dropped to my stomach. I just knew.

 

She saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the second chapter.  
> Karin is out of my pocket, let's say that she's Yousef's Eskild, the one with the brilliant advice.
> 
> All kinds of beautiful comments and constructive criticism are appreciated.


	3. Lost Communication

I messaged Noora the next day immediately. She deserved to know why I rejected her and acted the way I did, even if we both knew what we were doing that moment.

_ Hi. Sorry I freaked out and took off all of the sudden yesterday. _

_ It had nothing to do with you _

**_Noora:_ **

_ Don’t worry about it. Sorry I was all over you. _

_ It had nothing to do with you. _

_ Haha ok. _

_ But I was wondering, have you talked to Sana? _

**_Noora:_ **

_ Sana? No. What’s up? _

_ I think she saw us last night _

**_Noora:_ **

_ Is there something between you two??!! _

_ No, I mean, I don’t know, I like her a little _

**_Noora:_ **

_ But does she like you back?!?! _

_ I Am FREAKING OUT here. I DIDN’T KNOW!! _

_ Relax, I don’t think she likes me. Nothing has happened _

_ We walked home together after you last Friday, and I thought she liked me _

_ But the next day she blocked me on Facebook, and I thought she was not interested, _

_ but yesterday she was talking to me like nothing happened _

_ I don’t want her to think that I’m hooking up with her friends or with anyone. _

**_Noora:_ **

_ I’ll try to talk to her. Shit, I’m sorry that happened. _

_ I hope I didn’t mess things up! _

_ Don’t worry about it. I’ll have to talk to her as well later. _

 

The weekend passed with me helping mom in her second job, I didn’t have the time to show up at the Bakkoushes’ house. Regardless, it messed up with my mind thinking about Sana a lot, messaging her multiple times trying to talk and explain myself, but she never replied to any of my texts, so much for spending last week trying to forget about her.

As I was walking home with mom, she noticed how often I was checking my phone, and the concerned expression I had every time a message I got was not from Sana.

 

“Is something wrong with your friends?” Mom asked, and it reminded me that I hadn’t seen the guys or talked to them since what happened on Friday. I shook my head, shoving the phone back to the back pocket of my jeans. “A girl?” I sighed and nodded, and her face beamed with weird excitement. “Who is she?”

I rolled my eyes, she had a huge unnecessary smile on her face. “It’s Sana” Mom giggled mischievously, the one reaction I wasn’t expecting from her. “What?”

“I knew you had something for that girl since she was in middle school” She was seemingly enjoying this more than she should. “All the ‘Sana is great at basket’ and ‘Sana is so smart’ and ‘Sana helped me study biology’ talk you never stopped. Even your aunt sensed something!”

“No she didn’t” I shook my head in denial.

Mom laughed at my reaction, and it eased something in my heart because that was the first time I hear my mother genuinely laugh in a week. “She did! We both did. You’re way too obvious, Yousef” It was not the first time I’ve been told that.

“Are you gonna tease me about it now? Like Adam and Mikael do?”

“I would never” She said, mock-offended. Of course I didn’t believe her. “She’s a great girl. Very pretty. She’d be great for you”

I ducked my head down. “Yeah she would’ve, if I hadn’t blew it all up”

“Oh” Mom didn’t ask what happened, and I was more than thankful for not having to tell her my embarrassing story. Plus, she had enough in her plate, I never want to add my personal problems to that.

 

I felt a soft hand on my shoulder, I looked at her and found her smiling. “Talk to her. I’m sure you can figure things out. You’re a good boy and you deserve to be happy” I glanced at her with one eyebrow up then wrapped her shoulders with my arm, tucking her to my side. “I wouldn’t know what to do without you, Yousef. Seriously”

I smiled, swallowing the pile of unspoken worries down my throat as we continued walking in the cold weather. It was late at night, the streets so quiet we can only hear the sound of our steps and the breeze.

When we finally reached home, there was a big envelope stuck on the door. I picked it off and flipped it over to find out that it was from the hospital. I looked at mom, her eyes were worried, but not so scared. “I think it’s the report”

I knew mom dreaded receiving this report and opening it since her last visit to the hospitals, if her worries were confirmed, it would mean one more problem for us to worry about, and none of us was ready for that.

 

Without any word, I tucked the envelope under my arm and waited for mom to unlock the door with the bags of groceries in each hand.

 

As much as I wanted to procrastinate and avoid opening the envelope by taking my time in placing groceries in the fridge, it was still there where I left it, on the kitchen table.

I took it with a dreaded heart and went to the living room where my mom sat at her usual spot, and sat myself on the couch closest to her. We exchanged a look as I handed the envelope over to her, she sighed deeply, slowly unsealing it.

My heart was pounding in my chest I can particularly hear it, mom pulled out the single piece of paper and looked at it, skimming through it with her eyes from top to bottom, until her eyes landed on the one most important line in the sheet.

The anticipation almost killed us both, any answer this moment would be a relief, at least then we’ll know what the next step is, and we can start planning a vacation or treatment sessions.

 

“What is it?” My chest was rising and falling like an inflated balloon popped inside of me.

“It’s back” She said, her face empty from expressions, like it was some information she knew about already. “The cancer is back”

 

There was nothing I say or do that would make me feel better, make  _ her _ feel better or at ease. My mom was nothing less than a fighter, but this disease is a monster and the battle is long and brutal, and the mere thought of going through it again was tiresome, mind actually doing it.

 

I moved to sit next to my mom, placing my hand on her back, moving it up and down in a soothing motion, or what I think it is.

She looked at me, determined. “I want to go to Istanbul”

“What?”

“I thought about it for a while. I want to do my treatment there”

 

My hand dropped from her back. She talked like she knew the disease was back before she read that report, there was never a 50/50 chance, it was always going to happen.

How am I supposed to feel about this? I was too afraid to think about it as a death wish because my mom was never that person, even during her first round, she was so optimistic even with the bullshit my dad was pulling at the time.

She let out a breath and smiled, her hand caressing my hair. “I’m sorry that it’s not going to be a vacation”

“What are you talking about? I don’t care about that now”  

She sighed, and I couldn’t understand why wasn’t she as upset as I was. “It’s just.. I think I want to be around family this time, not that you or my sister aren’t, but this.. I want to be next to my parents during this”

I gulped back my worries and objections, I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but it is what she wishes for, and I shall support her in what she wants, even if it is the last thing I want.

  
  


+++++

 

 

I told the boys about my mother in the group chat before I met them on Tuesday. They knew about the speculations we had of the cancer coming back for a while now, but now that it is confirmed, my boys never ceased to show me their full support, offering me whatever help they can provide. Mutta even contributed to take my mom with his car from and to the hospital for appointments, but it wasn’t necessary since she won’t be in Oslo for the treatment. 

 

“What about you? You’re going with her?” Mikael asked.

 

I honestly didn’t know, I wasn’t in ease with the idea of letting my mom go to Turkey, mostly because I know exactly how to take care of her during such times, and because I was afraid of the idea of having the house for myself. On the other hand, going to Istanbul with her would be a total change for me, here I had my job, my friends, my college plans, and even though I could easily adjust to life there with all my cousins, it would be hard to find a job quickly. 

 

“Hey! You never told me what happened on Friday!” I said, pulling myself forward on the couch. Changing the subject before it becomes a pity session.

Elias rolled his eyes, looking away from his phone. “It was stupid, man. Mikael was talking to Even then that kid came out of nowhere, drunk, and punched him”

My jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

“Wallah!” Adam emphasized with a raised finger. “Elias just went and punched him, then the others joined. It was stupid”

A certain question was nagging at me, something I wanted to know about for a long time. “And Even?” I asked looking at Mikael before I could stop myself.

“He was totally chill until that kid came!” Mikael said with a relaxed voice, and I noticed he didn’t look as sad talking about Even as he usually did. “He was telling me that he wants to have lunch with us and talk and stuff”

It gave me great comfort knowing that Even didn’t hate us, which was a fear I had and increased after seeing Snapback kid’s destroyed nose.

 

“Where did you go anyway? You weren’t with us when we left” Elias questioned.

 

I swallowed, thinking back to Sana and the last time I saw her. I thought about lying but I didn’t see the point “Sana went to the bathroom, I was waiting for her to walk her home but she.. disappeared”

Elias nodded. “She came back home crying, and she won’t talk to me because that kid was her friend. What was his name? Isak?”

 

I froze at the information of Sana crying, especially with knowing what she had saw that day. Me and Noora kissed, and I am not sure what that would mean to Sana, but I knew I blew up a chance somehow, and I didn’t want her to think that I was interested in anyone else, none the less her friend.

I licked my lips that had gone dry along my throat for a moment. “She.. umm.. She didn’t tell you why she was crying?” I tried not so sound creepy, or like I knew something he didn’t, which I did.

Elias shook his head, not bothering so much. “She just told me how awful I was for hitting her friend, didn’t give me a chance to talk or defend myself. She’s nuts”

 

I remained silent and busied myself with my phone until Adam stood up to stretch his back. “Hey. Let’s go out and play football or something. My ass is flattening” 

“Speaking of flat asses..” Mutta said taking the hand Adam offered him to stand up. “Remember Isabell?”

I chuckled at the connection, following the boys out of the room to the backyard. “The girl Elias started a youtube channel for?”

Elias rolled his eyes at my comment, locking his arms to his chest waiting for Mutta to finish the story he knows way too well. “The poor guy tried to message her on Saturday, turns out she was dating a guy 6 years older”

“Are you kidding me?” Mikael said almost doubling in laughter.

“Can’t you respect a man’s wounded ego, Mutta? What the fuck!” Elias opened the door to the kitchen that was the passing point between the living room and the back door, and the first thing I see there is Sana, with her dark eyeshadows, sitting around the table with her dad, her phone in her hands, while her mother standing over the stove.

 

My heart clinched to itself at the look I saw on her face, for the half second our eyes met, she looked like she was a bit frightened, like my presence took her by surprise before she tore her gaze away and focused on her phone like it was the only thing that mattered in the whole room.

I stepped closer to where she was sitting, trying to grab her attention without having to call her out loud in front of her parents and all of my friends, fixing m flat white shirt, placing my hands on my hips,then into the pockets of my pants, then tying my arms to my chest.

There was a full conversation going between Elias’s dad and us, presumably me included, that I did not pay attention to, only catching the words ‘football’ and ‘bottle’ as I kept my eyes on Sana the whole time until Elias poked me on the ribs, silently asking me to react to the joke his father had apparently just threw. I smiled lightly, giving them a tiny amount of attention and a weak smile just to show that I was not fully distracted by Sana refusing to look at me.

 

It would’ve gone for much longer, me watching her not moving, trying for dear life to make her look at me, but the boys left the room after taking some carrots that Mrs. Bakkoush has offered, and I had to follow them out, last one to leave the kitchen, casting one last look over my shoulder at Sana. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my least favorite chapter so far, I just couldn't know how to write everything without making it too cliche.  
> Hopefully yall don't hate it so much, and that the next chapters will be more subtle and more thought out.
> 
> Please feel free to tell me where my English stops working properly so I can fix it


	4. So Close, Yet So Far

Karin walked into the kitchen with an apple in her hand while I was peeling carrots for the children as I usually do. “Hey”

I gave her a casual smile. “Hi” She stood next to me, leaning with her elbow against the counter. Karin was always free, sometimes I wondered what exactly she does here.

“How was your weekend?” She started, chewing annoyingly on the apple.

“It wasn’t so good” I said with a sigh, not looking at her.

“How bad?” She sounded too enthusiastic, as if she was waiting to feed on my misery, yet, she was almost the only person I could tell, not because we were best buddies, or due to her trustful advices, but because I know she won’t bother worrying about my problems.

 

I sighed. “Well, for starters, your ‘move on from that girl’ advice has proved its failure, because her brother is my best friend and I am at their house almost every day” I blurted sharply, like I’ve wanted to say these stuff for so long and finally got the chance to. “And she’s always there, and she’s.. so beautiful, and smart, and.. I think she saw me kiss her best friend at a party” I said the last part with wary, the memory of watching Sana leave always formed a twist in my gut.

 

Karin giggled loudly. She was enjoying this too much. “You, my little friend, don’t have a _crush_ on that girl. You’re half deep in _love_!” She emphasized on the last word with a smirk, undoubtful of her conclusion. I raised an eyebrow at her, not even attempting to deny what she said because it was probably true. “And let me guess, you tried talking to her, but she’s not answering?” I ducked my head down, focusing solely at peeling the carrot in my hand without hurting myself.

 

“I’ve been sending her texts the whole weekend but..”

 

Karin shrugged, waving her hand in front of her face negatively. “Stop with the texting thing and talk to her. I’m 98% sure she likes you, that’s why it hurt her when you made a move on her best friend, dummy”

It only made sense why Sana would ignore me, and it was the only thread of hope I had to hang on. “I know.. I mean..” I hesitated. “I think so, but I don’t think she cares anymore”

Karin rolled her eyes and took another bite of her apple. “Listen, loverboy, take my advice and talk to her, tell her how you feel, and if you have a good reason for why you made out with her friend, don’t bring it up to her, girls don’t care about why a guy would choose other girls over them..”She stopped for a moment, her eyes looking far up right, playing with the words in her mind. “Actually, they do care, but if you shower them with compliments and apologize properly they’ll probably get over it”

 

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother listen to Karin and her terrible advices, she is the kind of person who will come after every weekend and sits my colleagues and I to tell us about her endless stories and affairs, and she will always end it with lazy words of wisdom she improvises out of nowhere, something along the line of _‘when you get older and experience more in life…’_

 

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I don’t think most girls are not that dumb..”

 

Because even though I can’t claim to know Sana that much, I knew she wasn’t the type of person who would let themselves be manipulated easily, she would knock you down before you could even think of taking her lightly. Her guard was always up, and the mere thought of me being someone who contributed to break her walls to the point of coming back home crying made me nauseous.

Karin ignored my comment and stood up straight, looking too proud of herself. “Solid advice! Next time that’s gonna cost you” She said with a proud smirk then slapped my shoulder dryly, turning on her heels to walk out the kitchen. “Now, finish up with those carrots and come help me with decorations”

 

+++++

 

I found myself in the backyard of Elias’s house few days later, where Sana was playing basketball by herself. Even from far I could see her tense shoulders, stress was radiating from her each time she threw the ball and missed.

I stood there for a moment, trying to collect the courage to talk to her. The chance was opened right in front of me but I couldn’t for the love of God figure what exactly I was going to say to her. Should I tell her I like her? Should I apologize for what she saw at the karaoke bar? What if she didn’t care for me the way I do her?

 

All these thought have done nothing but contribute to my nervousness, so I just shook my head and walked to her little court, trying not to overthink things.

After another failed shot from Sana, the ball rolled down toward me, I stopped it with my foot just as Sana turned around and found me there. She certainly did not look happy to see my face.

She stared at me for a moment like she had seen a ghost, not moving a muscle or giving me any sign of acceptance. If I thought she was stressed before, my presence hadn’t clear that for her at all.

 

Instantly, her face changed, throwing away the shocked expression and replaced it with a cold one, looking down at the ball under my foot, silently ordering the ball with her eyes to come back to her.

I knelt down and grabbed the ball, trying to look as easy and relaxed as I could as I gave it one low throw, tossing it back and forth between my hands. I wanted her to come and take it so I could challenge her to a game of something, but Sana was clearly not having it. “Can I have it?”

I kept playing with the ball, huffing out a laugh. “Come and get it”

Sana tilted her head to the side like I just said something stupid, her stone cold look never breaking. “Seriously? I can’t be bothered. Just pass it”

I looked to the side, thinking about what should I reply to her obvious attempt of turning me down. “Seriously? I can’t be bothered. Just come and get it” I said with a shrug of my shoulder.

It was a pretty stupid reply, and I probably shouldn’t have said her words back to her, but it did get her to move forward and try to grab the ball of my hand, even if her face was scary angry.

 

And just before she could reach me, I ducked and passed her, dribbling the ball on my way to the basket before jumping and jump-shot the ball to the hoop, and yes, I was trying to impress.

Sana was still standing far when I took the ball again, still waiting for her to take another shot at stealing the ball away from me, I can see that she was holding back herself. “I can’t be bothered”

It hurt a little seeing her give me these looks, like she didn’t want to get close to me or have to deal with me. She was there, standing right in front of me, a little more than an arm's reach away, and yet, the distance between us that mattered wasn’t physical.

 

“Okay. I’ll take the ball then” I meant to sound intimidating, Sana always loved a good game. “.. and I’ll get out of here”

Sana locked her arms to her chest, trying to sound as serious as she could. “I mean it”

I gave her a cheesy smile, bouncing the ball to the ground and getting close to her to pass her, knowing that she wouldn’t let me do that. She didn’t, and moved quickly to grab the ball from my hand but I turned back and went for another shot.

 

For the next few minutes, Sana kept chasing after the ball, and I would run to grab it before her every time the ball went through the hoop. But after multiple scores, she aggressively grabbed the ball of my hand and walked to the further end of the court, I was of course right behind her, and tried to block her way to the basket, but she managed to pass me and score.

Finally, Sana looked at me, this time with a proud smile on her face. I felt the weight on my chest go away and I found myself too happy for just this little reaction from her, unable to form a word in my brain that I could tell her next.

That was me chance to confess and to confront, to put it all on the table. It sounded so complicated in my head than it actually was, but that was a chance with an opened door I couldn’t turn down.

 

But I didn’t have to, because Elias showed up asking to join the game, and for some reason that upset Sana and reminded her to go back to being mad, because she walked and took the ball from me and turned her back toward us. “I play alone”

“How long are you going to be pissed off, Sana?” Elias was clearly annoyed by his sister, I was annoyed at him for interrupting the progress I was making but I tried to not let that show. “Sana?” He called for her again, but she was totally ignoring him, so he planted his feet to the ground, locked his arms to his chest, very determined to talk. “You know that Isak started the fight?”

 

That got Sana’s attention, because she grabbed the ball from the ground and turned to look at Elias, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“He punched Mikael in the face. That’s why I went and punched him”

Sana seemed struck, because she was holding the ball to her side and his face was growing twenty shades of guilt. “I thought..”

“If you don’t believe me you can go ask him himself. It wasn’t me” Sana stood in her spot for a moment, her face twitching from being at lost at what to do or say next. She then walked toward Elias, her jaw clenching like she was fighting to get out the words. She stopped a few feet away from him and threw the ball at him as a sign of peace offering, he made one shot and turned around to leave, leaving the ball for her to take. “We have a competition in Mario now” He said grabbing my shoulder, she called for him but he only smiled at her and shrugged. “We’ll take later, sis”

And we both went inside after I took one last glance at Sana, her anger replaced with a sadder look that was not directed at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments and love <33 I'm so glad someone actually likes this.  
> I'm not a tumblr person, but you can find me on twitter @vilabelle


	5. She Hates Me

_Hey_

_Sorry for texting you suddenly like this_

_Can we meet?_

_I am in serious need for an advice_

_I met Sana. I think she hates me_

 

I messaged Noora a few days later, because at this moment I was in serious need for a sensible advice from someone close to Sana. Of course I wasn’t going to talk to her brother and tell him how badly I messed up with his sister, and it would take me 83 years before any of the other boys would give me an advice that doesn’t involve weird stuff I prefer not to think about. And we all know what they say, ‘desperate times call for desperate measures’, and what’s more desperate that asking your crush’s best friend for help, the same friend your crush has saw you make out with, right?

 

I am for the most part a chill guy, I don’t get stressed easily even when I have to work multiple jobs and help mom pay the bills when my father is flying between places looking for a job, I still try to be as collected as I can, to take everything at its own pace and not rush into things or panic about deadlines and getting to places in time. I can avoid almost 100% of Game of Thrones spoilers for an entire week before I could watch the episode three days after everybody.

 

When it came to Sana I couldn’t relax, and in my head I sometimes sound like a creep who stalks his prey and watches her from afar, while other times I feel like a total hopeless romantic who dreams so much and does so little.

 

Luckily, Noora didn’t take much time before she replied.

 

**_Noora:_ **

_Hi_

_It’s no problem_

_Is everything alright?_

_I’ll tell you once we meet_

_Are you free any time soon?_

**_Noora:_ **

_I’m at st.hanshaugen in the sun and having a coffee if you want a therapist_

_What’s your number?_

Noora texted me her number and I was there at the café 10 minutes later. I was afraid that my sudden contact with her might weird her out but she was welcoming, even ordered me a drink that arrived before I got there.

“I don’t know if you like Americano..” She said pushing the still-hot cup toward me, I grabbed it with a smile and took a sip.

“That’s great. I hate milk in the coffee”

Noora giggled. “Sana does too. She always says it ‘overshadows’ the taste of coffee” I frowned at the mention of Sana, even when she was the reason why I was here with Noora in the first place. Noora sensed the change on my face. “So what’s going on?”

“Nothing” I slapped my hands to my thighs. “I wanted to talk to her, tell her that I like her, but I just stole her ball and made her angry. Am I 12 or something?”

I don’t know why Noora found that funny, I think I would too if I heard my miserable cries to her. She placed her hand on my shoulder and patted in consolation. “I.. have you talked to her?”

 

Noora nodded. “Well, not really. I tried to. I told her that I wanted to tell her something nice, asked her if she likes you, but..” She sighed. “I think she likes you”

I almost choked on the hot coffee. “She said that?”

“She said she didn’t, but she said it in a way that seemed like she did, if you know what I mean” Noora said carefully and waited for my reaction. I just sighed and dropped my head.

“No. I don’t understand shit” It was pretty clear to me that I was running out of solutions. Every time I try to tell Sana how I feel it would somehow turn into a situation of self-pity, and I couldn’t keep doing that. Every hope I had of her having the same feeling for me was starting to go away. “Just forget it, don’t talk about me anymore”

 

There was a long moment of silence before Noora talked again. “I’m sorry. This was my fault” She was looking at her hands lying on her lap, her shoulders hunched in a regretful sort. “If I knew..”

I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with you. I shouldn’t have went along with it” That sounded a little weird so I just turned to her immediately. “Not that I think you are… umm..”

Noora giggled. “I know what you mean” Her eyes drifted to look at the furthest point before her, as if she was trying to find the right words to say. “I just.. whenever I see her at school nowadays she’s shutting everyone out, sits alone by herself all the time, goes home before everyone..” She sighs. “There’s a lot of drama going on in school and everything is so stressing.. I feel guilty that I’m might’ve added up to that”

I snorted. “Are we both gonna sit here and act all sorrow toward the same girl now?”

My comment seemed to lighten up the mood a little, Noora giggled weakly. “Yeah, I don’t know. I think we both should try talking to her again. I don’t like how she’s shutting everyone down”

 

I simply agreed.

  


+++++

  


“Okay people. We aren’t alone anymore. My mom and sister are back” Elias said after we heard the door click, making us all stop what we were doing. I looked at the door at the mention of Sana, where her mother stood for a moment to greet us, while Sana skipped that part completely. “Thanks for watching. Chat later” He ended the video. Something in my gut ached as I looked away from the camera, trying not to have my sad face toward Elias or the rest of the boys.

“Let’s go outside” Mutta suggested. Adam and Mikael nodded and followed him to the back door.

I stayed with Elias to collect the camera and put everything back in place, I didn’t say a word and I was hoping the cap was covering enough of my grim face.

 

“So, what’s your deal with Sana?” Elias asked, rolling the laptop charger around his hand. He didn’t sound angry or pissed, even when I looked at him he looked like he just wanted to know.

 

Elias has always been protective of his sister, ever since I knew him, but he never said anything opposing what I felt for Sana, on the contrary, he always finds a way to throw the silliest hints whenever me and Sana are in the same room, to which Sana would always just get confused at before she walks out.

So I wasn’t surprised when he noticed the change in my reaction. “Too obvious, huh?” I snorted, Elias didn’t respond with anything, just waited for me to talk. "Did she tell you anything?"

Elias shook his head too quickly, raising both his hands up. “I am not going to get involved in this, for your own sake” I looked down feeling guilty and thankful for the too-easy way out of a punch in the face I sure as hell deserved. "But for real now, bro. You really do like her?"

 

I nodded, sincere, looking him in the eyes. “You know I do”

 

He tied his arms together to his chest. "Then why didn’t you tell her already?"

I threw myself on the couch. "I tried, but you saw what happened when I tried to join her game the other day” It was so easy for Elias to see my helpless state. I tried to distract myself with changing the position of the cushions around me then putting them to their previous state. “I acted like a child and she was just.. She hates me for sure"

Elias took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. "She doesn't hate you" His tone wasn’t encouraged, sounded as if someone demanded him to say that.

“I keep hearing that" I whispered, mostly to myself.

“What?” He asked.

“Never mind”

"I am telling you, she doesn't hate you” He shrugged. “I don’t know what exactly happened between you two, and I’m not sure if I’d like to know" He said knowingly. “But you have to talk to her, my sister can shut you out for so long but if you’re honest with her, she will listen. Trust me”

 

Deep down I knew that facing my worries, making a grand gesture and speaking with Sana will most definitely give me the peace I seek, not that a proper rejection will do me any help, but at least I can measure the size of my fuck up and decide whether I can keep showing my face up at her house or not.

"Listen, if you were some other dude I wouldn't be talking to you about my sister and you'd be out of my house right now, but you're a good guy, the best one I know, and that all that matters. I know you’ll treat her right"

I sometimes wonder if I deserve Elias’s entire support, but then I remember the many times I covered up for his ass.

“Thank you man” I settled on this little reply. It was the most appropriate thing to say at that moment. “You’re a good guy too”

Elias nodded with an unconvinced smile. “Nah, I don’t know about that. With all the drinking..”

I wanted to smack his him awake in the head, but I’ve seen how Elias gets filled with guilt every time I refuse a drink at a party and he doesn’t, as if he let me down if he drank. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, Elias”

“But it does make me a bad son, a bad brother..” He was avoiding my gaze, rocking on his feet while keeping his hands behind his back, as if apologizing. “I should never have let Sana see me like that..”

He was referring to the time me and Sana took him up to Noora’s apartment, where he slept till the next day on the couch. He told me how embarrassed and ashamed he felt the next knowing that his sister had to walk him somewhere where their parents won’t see him in that state, so wasted and completely out of it that he could barely remember walking all that distance to an apartment with people he never met before.

 

I knew a thing or two about feeling guilty, but I couldn’t let Elias think low of himself because of one incident. “You really think Sana judges you for that?” I arched one eyebrow up. “Come on, man! Cut your sister some slack, she’s better than this!”

 

Elias snorted “What about you, asshole?” He punching my shoulder lightly. “You were just telling me that she hates you. _Cut her some slack_ , bro! She’s better than this!”

“Well..” I sighed, looking away. “If you insist on giving me your blessings I guess I just have to take them!”

“That’s right” He slapped my back roughly, make me wince in pain. He placed an arm around my neck, slightly pushing me toward the door. “Now stop acting like someone killed your kitten and let’s kick some balls”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please tell me your opinion of all of this till this point :3


	6. Peace

Sitting in the tram on our way back home, everyone is slumbered around, looking tired after their long day at their jobs, or school, reading books or looking at their phones, or sleeping with their mouths open, a bunch of kids my age were standing at the back, laughing and talking. My mother was sitting next to me, her head dropped on my shoulder. We just left the hospital after we spent the appointment talking to the pathologist about her options of treatment and his recommendations and referents for hospitals and referents in Turkey.

I spent the first 10 minutes of our ride looking for flights and making reservations, I still to this point hadn’t decided whether I was going to stay with mom in Istanbul or not, there were several valid reasons for each choice, but to be completely honest, I wasn’t giving it that much of a thought.

 

Luckily for me it was Monday, and I have a day off, or I would’ve been knocked out asleep before my ass hit the tram seat. The past week hasn’t been so easy, so much going on in my mind, and a great load of work at the kindergarten preparing for the festivities for the end of the year for the kids, taking extra work to fill in for my co-workers who are also students.

Everyone was quiet on the tram, expect for those guys, but it wasn’t annoying. At least someone giving this ride, that is full of exhausted people, a soul.

I try to close my eyes a little, to have just a few minutes of calmness, to stop thinking about anything for a moment, and to postpone dealing with my problems until we get home, when a ping sound came from my phone.

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Boys_

_My brother is coming for iftar on Thursday_

_Come over. Mom is making couscous_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_Yess*heart eyes*_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Dude, do you ever come over if it’s not for the food?_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_My parents are invited to a relative’s house but I’ll be there_

 

**_Mutta:_ **

_Mikael’s relationship with food is the only serious relationship he has_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_My heart eye were for Ahmed coming over_

_Finally someone cooler than all of your asses to hang out with_

_But sure, the food gets heart eyes too!_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_Let’s hang out today. I know a party_

 

_Okay_

_But I’m gonna go home and change first_

 

**_Mutta:_ **

_Shit! Your mom’s appointment was today, right?_

_How did it go?_

 

_Well_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_That’s right!_

 

_He referred her to doctors in Istanbul_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Are you going to stay with her?_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_When are you leaving?_

 

_I don’t know yet_

_June 17th_

 

**_Mutta:_ **

_Oh that’s soon!_

 

_Yeah she needs to finish some things at her work first_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_Tell us if you need anything, bro_

 

_Okay_

  


I put my phone back to my pocket and closed my eyes again, feeling more at ease and relaxed than a minute ago, resting my head on the uncomfortable back of the seat.

 

When we were finally home, I helped my mom to bed, made sure she had all her medicines and a cup of water on the nightstand next to her, and dropped myself on the empty side of the bed over the covers, my head far from the pillow and my legs hanging down from the end of the mattress.

“Thank you” I heard mom say weakly.

“Don’t worry about it, mom”

She shifted slowly to make herself more comfortable on her back. “You put so much on yourself, Yousef. You need to tell me when it’s too much” I lifted my head to look at her, she had a serious look in her eyes, and I was afraid that I was worrying her too much. I knew she can’t help it, being protective and concerned about me, she raised me through my teenage years alone, and it became a habit, even as an adult. Every time something happens where she ends up over-reacting to an injury or a fight, she would always tell me that _‘no matter how old you get, Yousef, you will always be my child’_. Not that I like how much she worries, but I’ve gotten used to it.

 

I reached out and pulled the pillow above me, propping it under my head and turning to lie on my side facing mom. “It’s a lot to take in at the moment, but I’m okay. You’re here for me, and so are the boys”

She swallowed, her eyebrows knotting in concern. “I just don’t want you to keep it all in. I know you can’t exactly tell me everything..”

“I am not keeping it all in” I shook my head, giving her a comforting smile. “I promise. I talk with Elias a lot, about everything. So don’t worry”

She sighed, the frown easing from her face a bit as she smiles back. “Okay”

 

It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed by every second. My body seriously needed a time off. “I have to get up and meet the boys” I said with a sigh, my eyes unfocused as I looked to the empty wall on mom’s side.

I felt mom’s hand touch my hair, combing it back softly. “You don’t have to do anything”

 

The boys are going to a party tonight, with lots of drinks and loud music, there will be a lot of people to meet, a lot of whom gonna see my tired face and ask me what’s wrong, and I’m gonna have to talk about my stressful life, and pretend that I’m enjoying my time talking to a stranger about myself.

Mom is right. I don’t have to do any of that.

 

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, and typed as quickly as I can using one hand.

 

_Can’t make it to the party_

_Gonna stay at home and sleep early_

 

Then I placed my phone where the pillow was, and just closed my eyes, allowing myself for a much needed rest.

  


+++++

  


When I arrived at the Bakkoushes’ door on Thursday, I was already able to hear Mikael laughing loudly from inside, and a voice not so familiar talking after. I rang the doorbell, and was immediately welcomed in by none other than Ahmed Bakkoush. Elias’s cool older brother and Mikael’s personal role model.

Ahmed opened his arms, the widest grin on his face. “Yousef! My man!”

“What’s up!” I said taking his hand and into a half hug, slowly stepping inside before he closed the door behind me, fist-bumping Mikael on the way. “It’s been so long!”

“I know! 8 months, I think?” He said slapping my back repeatedly like he usually does whenever he’s greeting having a friendly conversation with anyone. “How has it been?”

 

I hesitated. “Yeah, well”

 

Ahmed laughed. “Let’s go inside and talk. Elias is out buying some stuff for my mom. He’ll be back soon”

“Where’s Jamilla?” I asked looking around, having not seen her in the entrance or heard her in the kitchen when we passed.

“She’s outside on the swings with Sana. These two have _a lot_ to catch up on!” He squinted, taking a seat on the biggest couch. I gulped at the mention of Sana, but tried my best to hide it and ignore the eyebrow Mikael raised at me.

Elias came back a few minutes later, Mutta and Adam a little after. It was very nice to catch up with Ahmed, and listen to his stories from studying and working in another part of the city, away from his family and the friends he grew up with. It’s something close to what I might experience when (or if) I go to Turkey with Mom, at least I got family there, whom I don’t know very well, yet that does not sound so bad.

 

Suddenly, the idea of staying there with my mother, coming back in two years or a little less, was more appealing than before.

 

I can always find another job, now that I have the experience, maybe even start college. It will be easy to keep in touch with the boys, and maybe come for a visit or two whenever I can. And as my thoughts drifted away from the conversation the guys were having, I didn’t hear Mutta calling my name multiple times, until Elias clapped his hands loudly in front of my face.

“Yousef!” Elias laughed at my lost look, trying to catch up to where I was, everyone was looking at me weirdly. “Are you okay, bro?”

I gulped. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll just go and drink some water” I wasn’t really thirsty, but I needed to run away from being the center of everyone’s attention, and went fast to the kitchen.

My thoughts were clouded enough that I didn’t hear the laughs coming from the kitchen, didn’t realise that someone was there until I saw Jamila and Sana sitting around the dining table, their laughs stopping as I walked in.

 

Well, shit. This is awkward.

 

I saw Sana look away from me, wondered if this was a new habit she had picked, Jamilla was looking at me looking at Sana like some sort of a puzzle she wanted to solve, her head turning back and forth between us a number of times. I stood there, shifting my feet with no purpose, taking away my eyes from Sana to my hands playing nervously at the hem of my shirt.

“Yousef! Hey!” Jamilla finally said, breaking the awkward silence that felt to have lasted for centuries. I She had a wide smile on, not minding the state of nervousness I was clearly so deep in.

I forced a smile back. “Hey, Jamilla. How’s it going?”

Jamilla nodded slowly, still beaming with nothing less than care and kindness. “Good. Good. And you?”

I bobbed my head without saying anything more, my eyes sneaking glances toward Sana even when I was trying my best not to, she was still focusing on her hands on the table, a mixture of anger and sadness shadowing her face.

Realising that Jamilla noticed my uncomfortable state and Sana’s distress, I took fast steps toward the fridge, picking out the water jug and a clean glass from the dishes next to the sink. I was suddenly sweating, my brain couldn’t concentrate on one thought, and for some reason it started getting really hot. I faced the sink as I gulped down the water and opened the fridge to fill another glass, apparently I was much thirstier than I thought I was.

“I think Ahmad wants me in something” Jamilla said looking at her phone, I could tell she was trying to find an excuse to get out, because the phone screen was black and nothing was on it. As I milked that glass of its last drop of water, she gave me a look like she wanted to say something before walking out of the kitchen, leaving me and Sana alone.  


And here we go again. Sana wasn't pleased with the idea of being in the same square meter with me, without saying a word she immediately got up of her chair and walked toward the door, her shoulders tense and her hands gripped into a fist hold.

"Sana.." She stopped her track and spinned her head toward me, her eyebrows slightly furrowed. I had to rethink for a second if this was a good idea. "Can we talk?"  
Sana clenched her jaw, easing her tight expression. She turned her whole body toward me, tying her arms to her chest. "What is it?"  
I looked at my hands, trying to collect my courage and my words. I was never a shy guy, and I never felt so hesitant to talk to somebody, but I also never felt like this for anyone before.  
"I.." I started after few seconds of silence, still debating what should I start with. "I'm going to Turkey next Saturday"  
Sana flinched slightly, but visible enough for me to notice, her eyes widening before she swallowed down her expressions again. She blinked a few times and licked her lips. "Okay"  
Okay. That's all she says. But I guess it's fine because she was still there waiting for me to say something else. "I just wanted to let you know"  
"Okay" I asked myself if this was the only word she'll use the entire conversation, _if_ there will be any conversation to begin with. "I don't understand what does this have to do with me"  


How do you tell someone that you care deeply for them even after you broke their heart? In reality, I would only sound like any kind of liar, a lot of apologizing and making excuses, playing the victim in a scenario I built with my own hands.

I took a deep breath. To hell with being cool and acting sensible, this was now or never, at least in my head. The guilty, sad, angry glances that has been going for weeks can’t go on for one more day, it’s going to stay awkward till I come back, and I will forever regret waiting for too long without saying anything to break the ice.

 

“I know that you saw me kiss Noora, but it was a mistake, me and her realise that. But that was it. I never dated her. I promise” She stiffened, but didn’t walk or look away. I took that as a good sign to continue. "I.. I like you, Sana. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner or made you think I didn't. And.. I don't know if you.. if you feel the same thing.. I'll understand if you don't, and I'll keep my distance.. just.. I just need to let you know"

 

Everything was on the table now, my heart was in her hands to take or throw away. It almost felt like a scene from a cheesy romantic movie where the guy confesses his love to the girl after running for so long after her under the rain, trying to catch her before she boards a flight or a train ride, soaking wet, breathless and desperate, and ready to give everything up for her, and ask her to do the same and not go away.

That was almost my reality, the difference though is that we were in a kitchen where we could hear everyone laughing loudly from the living room, and not in a million years would I ask her to give up something for me, even if it was the biggest thing standing between us.

Now more than ever, I was aware of the effect she had on me, all the times I felt too tired to do anythings the past few weeks, the stress I had nagging in the back of my head even on days when my mom was feeling alright, the sadness that cloaked my heart when Elias and Noora told me about how sad _she_ were around everybody else.

 

I swore, her and I are soulmates.

 

It took us a moment before we realized none of us was talking, only staring at each other. Sana looked like she inhaled all the air in the room, and her face got redder.  
"Yousef, I.."  
"Sana!" Jamilla's voice calling made us both flinch and look at the door, she peeked her head into the kitchen and looked at both of us, then fixed her eyes on Sana. "Sana, your mom needs you in the backyard"  
Sana turned to me shaking her head slowly, her eyes speaking so much but she wasn’t voicing out any.

“I’m sorry..”

I settled for a nod, my lips pressed together as I watched her walk out of the kitchen with Jamilla, casting one last glance at me.  
I felt sick. I didn’t think I could handle facing her again about this. As soon as I heard the back door click, I went to the front door, put on my shoes and walked out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter so far (?) Still not that long tho xD  
> I hope you like this chapter. All constructive comments are appreciated. :3


	7. Find Me Peace

Blue.

Plain, ugly, blue.

I never paid attention to the ugly color I had on the walls of my room.

 

It’s been 2 hours since I woke up, 2 hours since I’ve been staring with no purpose at the wall in front of my bed.

 

Why am I so bothered by the walls now? Why didn’t I ever take the time to change their color when I had the time to something.. Less blue?

There was barely any sound, apart from the fan and my breathing, and sometimes a car or a bike. Other than that, it was all quiet.

 

My mother was at work, she insisted to make it to as much days as she can before she leaves for good. Her boss was nice enough to give her flexible working hours since they already hired a replacement, and it was her chance to get out of the house and ‘do something productive’ as she says. As if relaxing and staying in bed when you need it can harm anyone.

I sat there on my bed, backed up against the headboard, my feet planted in the mattress and my arms on top of my kness. I wasn’t thinking about Sana, well, I kinda was in a way, but it wasn’t fantasy thoughts or worries about how I was gonna tell her about my feelings and how she was going to react back, because that part was over.

She told me she was sorry, and just left. She didn’t say that she was going to think about it, consider my apology or promise me to talk about it some other time.

 

She was sorry.

 

I don’t know what she was sorry for. For letting me feel so much for her, for not being able to give the same emotions back, for ignoring me and shutting me down all that time..

 

She was sorry, but so was I.

 

I don’t blame her, she had every right to reject me and that was the least mean way to do it. I don’t regret falling in love with her, not for a moment, I don't regret my helpless attempts of flirtation, the jokes I said just for the sake to see her dimpled smile, or the times she was everything I thought about for the whole day.

But I was sorry that I hurt her so bad, that I single handedly put an end to something that only started to nourish and grow from stolen glances to actual conversations, and time spent in each other’s company.

If me and Sana could agree on one thing, it’s order. Nothing happens just for the sake of happening, no soul lives in vain, and there’s a purpose for everything, even if we don’t know it.

Maybe that would be my reason, maybe Turkey is the stop to unload and start over.

 

And move on.

 

Wherever my mind goes, this was the choice that made the most sense. Sure, I will be away from everyone and everything I knew for my whole life, but in order for me to be at a peace of mind while my mother fights her second battle, I had to go, and when I come back, maybe, _maybe,_ everything will go back to normal.

 

Maybe one day, I won’t be so blue and confused.

 

My phone pinged, pulling my mind back to reality.

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Boys. What do you say if I said there’s a party?_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_Never say never_

 

**_Mutta:_ **

_We say YES_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_And what do you say if I said it will be early when we’re all fasting?_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_Still YES_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_It’s alright to have fun in Ramadan, bro_

 

_Mikael, always so insightful_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_You get me_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Okay. What do you say if I said Even will be there?_

 

_Seriously?_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_I told Sana to tell him hi today and he just texted me_

_saying we should come to the party_

_It’s for Eva’s birthday_

 

**_Adam:_ **

_So he’s cool?_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_Wait, who’s Eva?_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Apparently_

_Sana’s friend, that Bargen girl_

 

_That’s cool_

 

**_Mutta:_ **

_Then YES_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Cool. Gonna tell Sana we’ll tag along_

 

I would be lying if I said the thought of facing Sana again after admitting my feelings to her didn’t freak me out, I almost want to bail on the whole party if a new thought hadn’t crossed my mind. I went back to my texts and scrolled down to reach the old ones, until I found the one I was searching for

It was with Even, the last text was one from me, asking _‘Can we talk?’_ almost a year ago, but it was left on _read_ , with no reply from him, or to the 6 messages before.

That night at the karaoke place— the eventful night it was, I wanted to talk to Even, just to see how he was doing since everything went down, but I never got the chance to know if he blames us for wanting to die, if he still blames Islam and The Quran for the shame he felt, and it stuck in my mind ever since, along with other things.

I took a deep breath, reading my unanswered messages once again before I started typing. I hesitated. Maybe he wants to be on good terms but not friends again, maybe he wanted to apologize for his boyfriend’s behavior and part ways, maybe..

 

I stopped my train of thoughts before it went too far. Today, I will stop hesitating and questioning if sending a simple text is right or wrong. Today, I will take my chance before it’s too late.

 

_Hey Even_

_How is it going?_

_It’s been a while_

 

It didn’t take long before I saw the dots in the bubble.

 

_Yousef!!_

_It’s been so long indeed!_

_I’m great! How is it going with you?_

 

_Everything is well_

_It’s good to hear from you again_

 

_Yeah, things didn’t go as planned last time_

_But hey, you’re coming to Eva’s party?_

_I texted Elias about it this morning_

 

_Of course we’ll be there_

 

My thumbs hanged over the keyboard for a second before I started typing again.

 

_But are you free today?_

_Can we meet somewhere?_

_A coffee maybe?_

 

_Sure!_

_Mocca in an hour?_

 

_Great!_

_See you there_

  


When I got there, Even was already at a table with his drink in front of him, once he saw me enter the cafe he waved and stood up with his usual grin, he hugged me right away, and it eased a lot of the worries I carried in me.

We started talking instantly, picking up from where we left off, without bringing up the drama. I told him about my job, my mom’s illness, which was a sad shock to him, and my plans to move to Turkey. He told me about his new boyfriend, Isak, whom we hadn’t had a good first encounter with, but from the stories he told me, Isak sounds nicer than the drink kid who punched Mikael in the face out of jealousy. Moving  to Nissen and living with Isak have been a good change for Even, away from the pain he was constantly living in, away from us.

Even saw how I avoided eye contact when he talked about starting all over with new people, it was a sensitive subject for both of us, and it was dumb to pretend that at least one of us was here to discuss Even’s last few months at Elvebakken.

 

He cleared his throat. “Listen, Yousef..” Both his elbows resting on the table with his arms crossed. “I’m sorry, that you lost your faith because of me..”

I shook my head. “No man. That’s not on you. That’s something between me and myself. It’s not anybody’s fault”

Even pursed his lips and nodded. “Okay. But I’m still sorry, about not talking properly with you, or the other guys”

“You were sick, Even. We all felt like shit because we didn’t help you enough”

“What?” Even squinted, sounding confused.

I sighed. “We were friends, Even, and we were supposed to be there for you better than we did. At least that’s what Sonja thinks”

It was as if I was saying new things Even never knew about, not some known lines from a story we all knew and lived.

 

Nodding my head, I looked at Even questioning. “She said, that you said, that needed to be away from _The Quran_ and _its people_ ”

Even huffed out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. “Oh, Sonja” He looked at me again, I still had the same puzzled expression on my face. He laughed again. “I was embarrassed, to face you guys, after everything I said and did.. It’s just..” He covered his eyes with one hand. “I can’t believe Sonja said that”

I smiled to myself, internally laughing at how the scenario changes from each party. We were all consumed in our guilt, never took the time to see what the other felt, or how the narrative changed by the one line that tied us.

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, my shoulders shaking. Even glared at me then joined, and in few seconds, our painful past was what brought us back together, laughing like the good times.

 

“It’s crazy, bro” Even said, taking a sip of his drink. “But I’m good now. Seriously. We’re going to have a good time at the party together”

“No punching this time?” I joked.

Even shook his head laughing. “Nah. Isak is too scared of Elias to take that route again” He laughed. “What about you? How’s your love life going?” He said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes. The truth is that I was living alone in one, trying to get out of it. “Not happening”

“You still have it for Sana, don’t you?”

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to leave that behind” I said playing with the plastic lid on my drink.

Even sat up. “Why? Did something happen?”

I stuttered for a second. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, me and her. She’s very religious and it’s important to her to be with someone who is” I don’t know how I came up with that, but it could be true, but it wasn’t the _truth._ “I don’t know. We were almost there, then I messed up, then I told her how I feel, she said she was sorry, and now I’m here”

Even winced. “Wow. Okay. So it’s not about religion”

I snorted. “It might be, but it’s not the main issue now. I hurt her, man”

I kept fiddling with the plastic lid in silence, feeling Even’s eyes inspecting me. He changed he pose on the chair and moved closer. “Listen, I don’t want to be all up in your business, but do you really think she won’t forgive you, or give you another chance?” He said with a tone that I was sure was supposed to make me feel stupid.

My jaw twitched. “She saw me make out with her friend”

Even gasped. “Shit! Who?”

I closed my eyes. This would be the first time I fully expose myself to someone other than Karin, someone who knows me, Sana, and.. “Noora”

Even clasped his palm over his mouth. “Are you attracted to her?”

His question woke me up like a slap in the face. “What? No! I mean.. She’s pretty and sweet and all, but..” I gestured with my hands in the air, words splattering out of my mouth, disturbed annoyed. “No”

I didn’t want to explain that day all over again, but I felt guilty for being so defensive all of the sudden and tried to ease the knot in my eyebrows and just closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, but despite that, Evan wasn’t taken back by my behavior, which I was thankful for.

 

He collected himself and placed his hand in his pocket, leaning his back against the chair, something he does whenever he speaks with confidence, or while teaching Adam and Mutta his killer pick-up lines. “Listen, Yousef, I know how you feel. I’ve gone through something similar with Isak” He started. “But, you have to believe in yourself and in what’s between you two” He added. “Plus, we’re talking about Sana here, for God’s sake. One of the best people you and I will ever meet” I nodded with agreement. “I owe her a lot, to be honest. She helped me so much when I first moved to Nissen and kept my past for me to tell” When I looked at Even’s eyes, I knew he was being sincere, talking about Sana with awe like she saved his life. “Isak gave her the same anti-religious shit I did back then, but she’s still here, and now he brags about being her _best bud_ or something, I don’t know” He chuckled. “So for her sake and yours, I’m telling you, don’t give up”

 

Every word Even spoke was right, I remembered Elias saying similar thing, telling me to give her more credit. Guilt seeped into me for not having the highest expectations, fearing heartbreak, but I’ve had eyes on her for so long, watching her only from afar, so now that I was at this point, if she wasn’t worth the risk then who was?

 

I smiled at Even, genuinely, and finally broke the plastic lid.

  


+++++

  


“Alexander! Please stay in line!” Karin called for the children and trying to keep them in line for their meal. “I will not be able to give you your potato if you do not stand in line”

The kid finally gave in and went back to his line, and Karin simpered as she put some mashed potato into his plate, trying her best not to glare at the kid with anger and scare him away.

I snorted as she brushed the hair that fallen on her forehead away with her forearm, both her hands unusable in smelly hand gloves. 

Karin turned to me. “Stop laughing at me, Acar. I don’t like that you’re having fun and I’m not”

I giggled. “Wow! So blunt with the jealousy! What’s wrong with you?”

 

“News flash! I am your evil stepmother!” She scowled.

 

“And you’re gonna feed me a poisonous apple and make me fall into eternal sleep?”

She turned to me with a raised eyebrow, her hand on your hip in a challenging manner. “First of all, I’m not feeding you anything, second of all, isn’t Sleeping Beauty the one with the stepmother?”

 

I dropped the spoon from my hand deliberately and squinted. “Wow! That is some serious violation. How dare you mix between Snow White and Sleeping Beauty?” I smiled to myself. Talking to Karin about cartoons while filling the children’s plates with food, it was almost the simplest, easiest conversation I’ve had this whole week with anyone, including Even.

Karin rolled her eyes. “I know who each of them is, I was just asking if..” I shook my head in mock-disappointment as she tried to explain herself, unable to hold down my lips curving into a grin. She had no way out of this. “Whatever, _Prince Charming,_ I don’t even know why I am…”

“Prince Charming??” I cut her off mid-sentence. “That’s Cinderella's prince! What are you doing with history, Karin?!”

This earned me an angry glare I knew was coming, but it was too funny for me to not laugh at. Karin finally gave up on me and turned to face the line of hungry children one more time. “How’s your mom?” She asked after few seconds, completely changing the subject. Inside, I was sad that we weren’t talking about Disney anymore.

I nodded my head. “She’s well. It’s definitely different this time around, though” I told her while cleaning the counter in front of me. “The first time, our lives was a mess, but we were so focused and always on the edge of our seats. This time, she’s more..”

“Accepting?” Karin finished my sentence.

“Yeah” I nodded with a gulp. “I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. I mean, it’s great that she’s relaxing, but since she asked to be with her parents in Turkey this time, I’m afraid that she might be giving up or something”

Karin was standing facing me, even though I was fully turned toward the counter, cleaning a little after all the kids had their plates filled and they all took their seats as we were speaking, and trying to avoid the pity looks that might be gazing my way. I could almost physically feel Karin’s eyes on me as if my feelings were carved down on my face or hanging above my head.

 

“I know how scary it is, Acar” Karin finally said. “But if there’s one thing I learnt from living with a cancer patient, is that you can _never_ show them that you’re scared”

I turned my head to look at her, my eyebrows furrowed. “You..”

“My husband. He passed away two years ago” She answered with a sigh, her face falling into an expression I couldn’t explain, maybe I would if it was on someone else, but not Karin. I was taken back for a second, Karin noticed the loss of words on my face and huffed out a laugh. “Believe it or not, I was once married” She smirked, her eyes roaming around at a memory in her head. “We were 20. He was diagnosed at 23, and pretty much, a year after, he...” She cleared a pile in her throat then looked back at me as if I caught her doing something she shouldn’t. “He wasn’t able to rest until I promised him that I will find happiness after him, I wasn’t telling the truth, but, he finally let himself be right after that”

“Karin..”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to scare you, Erik was on his last stages when we found out, but your mother will be in peace knowing that you can take care of yourself without her, she can fight this ugly illness with more determination”

 

Although there wasn’t a tear in Karin’s eyes, I could tell she was talking from a place who cared a lot, about me and about her late husband. Her face didn’t speak sympathy, but understanding.

I don’t think that this new information will make me look at Karin different, everyone has their story even it can’t be seen through their fun, upbeat personalities, but it shines the light on our similarities, and make me understand why we’re, despite the age difference, are friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter so much, I went through a lot of emotions last week and they inspired a lot of the feelings and words I used.  
> The part with Even was not planned before, but once it popped into my mind it became the most important thing.  
> Hopefully I didn't gone too OOC with Yousef, and wrote Even as Even, because even though I'm not in the Even Bech fanclub, I don't want to mess with his character, and I think Sonja is horrible but she didn't deserve to be cheated on.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all like this chapter. If there's anything you think I should fix, grammar-wise and whatsoever, please let me know. I'd like to know what yall think of the story so far.


	8. The Smile That Gave It Away

Eva’s party. Here we go.

Part of me was distressed to be here, to be in Sana’s presence again, to know that she’ll be looking at me, feeling sorry for the fool I made myself into. The other part— the sane part, was trying to focus on having fun with old and new friends, put the past misunderstanding behind us.

The party was held in the backyard of Chris’s house; Sana’s funniest friend. The weather was really nice, so we didn’t have to be wearing any extra layers of shirts, some of us sat around on balloon seats and swimming floats, while the others enjoyed a game or making food.

 

I ended up sitting with Mahdi and Jonas, two of the guys that were fighting with Mikael and Elias few weeks ago outside the karaoke place, and they were great, smart people, I don’t remember how it all started, but our talk took a turn around international politics and capitalism, something Jonas showed great interest in.

“It’s why all these wars happen. It’s why Trump is the president of the most powerful country” Jonas said, laying down on his elbow on my left.

“That’s shitty, man” Mahdi replied. “In few years we’re gonna be the ones trying to deal with that”

I nodded in agreement. I was mostly impressed, there weren’t many people our age who would talk about these subject, especially not at a party, but it wasn’t heated, and we were talking as if it was the lightest subject to discuss.

As I sip on the glass of apple cider in my hand while talking to the boys, I see Sana at the table, looking directly at me. We keep the contact for a second, but when Noora turn to her she smiles quickly at her and looks away.

Noora then turns to me and widens her eyes, mouthing me _‘what’_ in disbelief, I balked, not understanding what she means, or pretending to not understand. Noora raised an eyebrow, looking at me accusingly. When I didn’t respond, she shook her head and faced her friends again.

 

When it was time for the actual celebration, everyone gathered around the table bench with Eva on its end, singing her the traditional birthday song.

“Time for the gift” Chris shouted, lifting the huge box beside her to the table. I gave her a hand because that box was big and heavy. “Make some space!”

Eva’s gift was a six-liters bottle of champagne, which was absolutely stupid and fantastic. I laughed till my stomach hurt watching Eva trying to get the bottle out in disbelieve, but soon my eyes fell on Sana gazing at me again.

I gave her a small smile, but she shied away, dropping her eyes to her lap and biting her lip from curving into a smile. I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad sign, but I didn’t want to translate things on my own, so I gave her space, letting her look as much as she wants for as long as she wants without meeting her eyes with mine.

With Chris’s approval, Mutta turned himself into the party’s DJ, and starting playing some of the music on his phone, which weren’t terrible at all, if I’m honest; because here there were, people were dancing on every empty square of grass they found.

 

I kept walking here and there, watching Elias dance with Mahdi, Vilde and her boyfriend being super close and intimate, Adam showing off his dancing skills, and Noora exchanging heated looks with a guy who had his hair covering his eyes.

She spotted me and walked through the small crowd, when she was standing in front of me I smiled. “Hi!”

Noora had no time to waste. “Are you going to talk to her or not?”

“What?”

She exhaled. “Look, if you both are going to be playing this game for long, then I’m going to be a matchmaker for just as long, and I really can’t keep up with how crazy you two are” She scolded, placing both hands on her waist like a mother. “If I can talk to my boyfriend and get him to come from London from me, then you can for sure figure something out!”

I glanced past her shoulder at the guy she left behind her. “That’s your boyfriend?”

She turned to give him a quick look then smiled at me. “Yup. That’s William”

I raised my eyebrows. William was the name of the guy she said got a new girl right before she kissed me. For some reason I never forgot that name.

“Sana told me about the confession fit you threw at her in her kitchen” She smiled softly, unjudging, even though the air stopped in my throat from embarrassment. “The first thing I did after she told me was to call William, he got on a plane and flew to Oslo, we talked and now we’re better than ever” She gripped my shoulder firmly, and looked at me with the same determination. “All I want is the best for Sana, and I know there are still unsolved issues between you two, so would you please, _please,_ talk?”

Not sure about what to say, I opened my mouth to say something, but ended up looking like a fish. Noora gave me an encouraging pat and turned her heels back to William.

After Eskild, the guy with the Matrix sunglasses popped up Eva’s champagne open, and got his friends to carry him in a floating goose, I took the bottle to place it somewhere away from everyone’s feet, I found Sana sitting on a chair a few meters away from what was happening, her chin resting on her palm, and the most beautiful proud smile on her face, enjoying watching her friends from outside.

I took a deep breath then walked to her. There wasn’t much I had to say since I already poured my heart out to her few days ago, but talking wouldn’t hurt, more silence, on the other hand, might.

 

"Hey" She lifted her head up to me, her smile tightened on her lips but didn’t disappear. So she wasn’t annoyed by my sudden appearance next to her. _Step one, check._ "Can I sit?" She looks at me for a second then nods. _Step two, check._ “Tired from fasting?”

“Yeah. It gets easier after few days, but it’s still hard" She was avoiding long looks with me, and I kept moving my head trying to find her eyes.

I raised my hand to look at my watch. “Well, only three hours, 14 minutes and 32 seconds left!” Sana laughed, easing her tense shoulders a little.

“You still keep up with Iftar time?” I didn’t know if she was surprised or impressed

“Elias is whiney enough to make me aware” She nodded knowingly. We both knew exactly how Elias can be when he gets hungry.

 

I had to take a moment to remind myself that this was our first conversation in weeks, a conversation where no one was angry, or having a hard time forming words. Even if we weren’t talking about much, at least we were civil.

 

“It seems that things are going well between you boys and Even" She said softly.

I nodded. "Yeah. It's great to be able to hang out again”  I looked over to where Even was standing, his arm around Isak’s shoulders, talking with Adam and Mikael after the music turned to something quieter. “Isak is pretty cool too"  
Sana snorted, rolling her eyes. "Isak is not cool, he's just trying not to mess up like last time"  
"You two are good friends?" I asked laughing.  
"He's my biology partner, and my best bud” She said fondly, and I recalled Even using the same phrase talking about Isak, talking about Sana. It’s admirable, how these two are the most unlikely to be this close, but they’re overloaded with pride to admit it to each other, or at least it’s what I think Sana is.

Sana turned to look at Isak for a moment before turning to face me again, her eyes alarming. “Don't tell him I said that" I lifted my palm to cover my mouth, swearing silence. She bit both her lips down, her eyelids fluttering a little. I wanted to wait for her to collect the courage and the words, but I felt the urge to talk as the same time. "Listen.. about the other day..."  
I shook my head. I wasn’t going to let myself go through the embarrassment. "It's okay. I get it. It was totally uncalled for. I just.. I just hope we can pretend I never said anything and go back to how things were before.. you know”  
Sana sighed, completely dismissing what I said. “I talked to Noora, the day after. She explained everything to me” I turned to her. Her shoulders were relaxed, her expression calm. “Because you said plenty then left without explaining a thing that day"

I huffed a laugh. “I'm so sorry" It was the first thing that popped into my mind. "I'm so, so sorry I hurt you, I never.. I would never..."  
"Yousef. I know.” She said, looking sure and confident, and for the first time since our little walk to her house over a month ago, she looked like she trusts me with her truth. “I'm sorry too, for how I treated you. This past month has been extremely stressful for me, but I had no excuse”

I wanted to tell her that she has nothing to be sorry for, but we were both to blame for our miscommunication, and if she was going to find peace in apologizing then she has it. Nevertheless, it was all forgiven.

"Are we gonna go back and forth on who screwed up bigger?"  
Sana giggled. "We could discuss more important things instead"  
"Okay.."  
"But now is not the time, there's a party going on and we're the only lame people sitting down"  
"You wanna get up and dance?"  
"No. I'm hungry and tired. You go do that"  
I turned to look at her. "Are we cool?"  
She smiled, this time her teeth were showing, her expression full of gratitude, and nodded. She placed her hand over mine for assurance. "We're cool"  
I smiled back, looking solely into her eyes, she grinned shyly before I stood up and went to join the crowd of dancing people, feeling lighter in the chest and calmer than I ever been in a long time, like my heart could grow wings and fly.

 

The party lasted a while after, but soon everyone found themselves seats and sat down to talk and drink. I sat along with Lin and Eskild, Noora’s housemates, half listening to their conversation about groceries and half looking at Sana and her friends standing around Noora and William, they now were circling their arms around each other, Noora almost melting over him with her whole body. Sana, who was standing with a view of almost everyone in the backyard saw me for the third time, and when I smiled at her, she smiled back, warm and full and a little shy, her dimples deepening in her cheeks like I haven’t seen in a long time. That’s when Even approached me. "Hey"  
"Hey!" He sat next to me and we exchanged a smile.  
"Great party, isn't it?"  
"Yeah. It's been a long time since we were at a party that wasn't in some stranger's house with nothing but alcohol and music"  
Even chuckled. "There is plenty of alcohol and music here too if you haven’t noticed” I rolled my eyes, and before I replied he continued. “But I know what you mean. This is nice. Everyone here are friends with each other, having a great time"  
I nodded. Even looked to where I was looking, Sana, Chris and Eva chuckling quietly, at something Chris said as the three of them observe Noora and William, Noora eyeing them with a glare that wasn’t sure about what they were laughing about.

"I saw how you two look at each other" Even said with a smug look. "How’re things going?"  
I sighed. “I think we’re at the best we’ve ever been”

Even was confused. “Is that good or bad?”

 

The truth is, Sana wasn’t the easiest person to read if she didn’t put everything into words, but she let out to me enough to let me know that there was something, a seed that could grow and flourish. Whatever she said was enough for me to feel confident about my feelings. I turned to Even and gave him my widest grin. “It’s really good”

 

Even put both of his hands on my shoulders and shook me as hard as he can in excitement, I couldn't hide my smile as he let out a squeaking sound. "That's great bro!"  
"Yeah!" I sighed in relief. "But I still don’t know if anything will happen" And I was okay with that for now. There was time later to build something.

"She might be thinking about a lot. Just.. take it slow and easy. You both deserve to be happy"  
"Thanks" I said it and actually meant it. Rebuilding my friendship with Even has given me so much in few days, and I’ll always be grateful for that.

As soon as Even left the seat next to me, I felt my phone ping in my pocket. It was a text from my mom asking me to pick something up from the store for her. Elias, Mikael and Isak were dancing randomly to something Mutta was playing on his phone, Even and Adam were taking selfies of themselves, Sana was still standing with her girlfriends. I checked the time on my phone, it was almost sunset, so I stood up to leave, going through the house to reach the front door of the house. When I was almost out, I heard someone calling behind me.  
"Hey" Sana stood at the entrance. "You're leaving?" She said, almost sounding sad.  
"Yeah. My mom needs me to bring her some stuff from the store"  


She nodded then looked away, I looked at her hidden shy smile and my heart started beating fast, still unable to process the situation I was in, that she was finally, after long weeks, seeing me, looking at me with no anger or sadness. "Do you want me to come with?"

 

Her question surprised me, I didn't expect her to say something like that at all. "Do you.. want to come with?!"  


Sana shook her head. "Forget it. It's..."  
"Let's go!" I motioned with my head toward the door.  
She grinned widely. "I'll just go get my bag" As she walked back to the backyard, I released a long breath to calm my hammering heart down.  
She came back in less than a minute, her little handbag hanging over her shoulder. She had a mixture of excitement with a little bit of redness on her face, biting both of her lips. I opened the door and let her walk out first.  


We walked for in silence for a while, a couple of feet distance between us. It felt so familiar, walking next to her in the cold night as we are now.  
"Elias told me about your mom. I'm so sorry" She started. Her eyes glued at the road under her feet  
"Is this why you're talking to me again? You felt bad for me?" I joked.  
She glared at me. "I am mean, but I'm not an asshole" I snorted, digging my hands into my pant pockets. "How're you doing?"  
If I were to say the truth, I would say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time, but I know she wasn't asking about the state of my heart at this moment.  
"She's strong. I know she can pull through. It will be weird to have the house for myself though"  
"You're not staying with her?"

  
The long debate I had in my head for so long settled itself after the talk I had with Karin and Even. I was almost sure that I was going to stay in Turkey for the long run, but something in me shifted, and I was seeing hope for the first time. And even though she was not the main factor in influencing my decision, Sana was always a thread of hope I never wanted to let go of.

My mom would be great with her family, but I also needed to look out for myself, for her and for myself, and coming back was how I was going to do that.

 

"No. I'll be back by the end of August” I answered. “I have a job here, all my friends are here. Thinking about starting college as well" _'And you're here'_ I wanted to say, but I only looked at her with a smile.

Her dimples popped up on her face again. "Well, you can always take Elias to roommate you. I'll be more than happy to have the whole house for myself"  
I giggled. "That's.. that's a pretty good idea, but then I won't have an excuse to be at your house all the time" I was more than pleased by the timid redness that drew on her cheeks after I said that, the smile she bit down, and how her eyes refused to look at me. "Can I ask you a question?" She nodded. "Why did you block me on Facebook?"  
Sana looked down, seeming a little embarrassed. "I.. It was after you told me you were not Muslim"  


So _it is_ , somehow, about religion.

 

I took a moment to think. "So.. that was before or after we took that walk home?"  
"Before. Because I meant to add you again after our talk, but I totally forgot about it"

Something in my heart broke as I remembered the events of the day when I confronted her about it, how crushed and broken she looked. I wanted to slap myself right that moment. "And you let me let it out on you at that karaoke place? I thought it was after!"  
She snorted like it was a funny joke. "Yeah, well, nothing went well that day for me anyways.."  


"Sana.."  


She proceeded to talk. "When I was in the bathroom, I heard a couple of girls from the bus talking about how they were going to kick me out of the bus.. they said something about Elias's fight, my religion, and how much I was disrespecting it.. and then I go out and you were..." She trailed off, unable to say it out loud, and I felt so small and overall guilty, even though she didn't sound or look sad. "I just.. I lost it completely. I felt as if I was back in middle school again"  
"What happened in middle school?" I asked.  
She looked at me. "I was bullied a lot back then, so, whenever I experience something close to it I just go dark"  


I felt like I understood Sana better that moment, all the walls she has built around herself, the distance she puts between herself and anybody before she can trust them, the masks she covers her true emotions with.  
Sana was not fake by any means, not even her closed personality that she possesses when she's out in public, but she was protecting herself from being hurt by the battle she was having with herself and people around her.  
My heart squeezed into itself a little, and I couldn't help the worried look I had on my face. She felt my eyes on her and turned to me and smiled, shoving me aside with a light push. "Stop having this sad look. I'm not going to cry now"  


I didn't know if I wanted to hug her or to to hold her hand and tell her to cry as much as she wants because I wasn't going to judge. In the end I just remained silent and gave her a weak smile.  


We took the tram to go to the street where I live, keeping the conversations between us small and casual until we saw a middle aged couple staring toward us, it definitely wasn't because of my phone that started ringing in my pocket.  
I swiped to answer without moving my eyes from them, watching the way the looked at Sana while she was texting on her phone.  
"Yeah.."  
"Hey, is Sana with you?" It was Elias.  
"Yes"  
I could almost hear him smile, but I was too busy focusing on those people whispering while watching Sana to let myself be teased. "Okay, man. Keep an arm length, bro. And bring her back before midnight"  
"I know"  
"I'll see you later"  
"See you"

I hang up and slipped the phone back to my pocket, Sana lifted her eyes from the phone to me for a moment. "Elias?" I nodded. She realized I wasn’t very focused so she turned her head to see whom I was looking at, and found the judgmental stares thrown at her. "Can I help you?" She said with a cold tone, and the couple broke the eye contact and pretended to be distracted by the shelves. I looked at Sana and saw her roll her eyes then look back at the screen of her phone, my giggle made her look back at me. "What?"  
"I don't know how you can shrug that off like that!"  
She smirked. "Please! Like you don't get looks like these yourself?"  
"I don't really” I said shaking my head. “Not if they don't hear my Muslim name"  
"Not even parents at the kindergarten?" She added, not letting it go so easily.  
"Yeah, well, sometimes, but my coworker, Karin, always scares them off"  
Sana laughed. "You should wear a headscarf then. It will teach you how to have some patience"  
I chuckled. "You think I'll look good?"  
She scanned me up and down with her eyes, her sarcastic smile never leaving her face. "I can't make any promises"  
We kept the jokes going back and forward, laughing to each other until we were at the stop where we had to get off, and walked for a few minutes until we reached a mini market.  


"My mom wants some stuff from here. Let me just get them real quick then we can go, okay?" She nodded.  


I picked the milk, cashew, tea and bread as fast as I can, not wanting Sana to stand there alone for more than necessary as the weather got colder. When we reached the house, I fumbled through my key chain looking for the one to open this door.

My brain froze for a quick second, and it wasn’t due to the cold air, but never in my wildest dreams have I thought that one day I’ll be entering my house with Sana. There was nothing dirty or scandalous about it, no weird ideas creeping into my mind, but the naturality of it was all unbelievable to me, the innocence of it, as if it has always been this way.  


"Is it okay with your mom if I come in?" She asked  
I stopped moving. "You're asking that now? We're here already!"  
"I don't want to bother her, or make her do anything if she doesn't feel like doing"  
Before I realized, I inched toward her and grabbed her hand, her eyes widened and switched between looking at our hands and my face for a moment. Even when it registered down to me what I was doing, I didn't let go of her, only tightened my fingers around her little palm and smiled at her, testing her reaction. She smiled back and walked after me into the house.  
"Mama! I'm home" I let go of Sana's hand as we leant down to take off our shoes, she carefully sat hers aside next to the door as I left mine on the door mat.  


We could smell the food from the entrance. Mom was in the kitchen, despite the million times I told her that I can take charge of that. But to be fair, I would never be able to prepare something that smells half as good as this.

I knocked on the door frame to grab her attention, she turned to me and smiled. She looked better than she did the last few days, more color in her face, so I decided to let her be. “Hey, honey” She said in Turkish. “How was the party?”

“Great” I said with a satisfied nod. “I brought a guest”

Mom picked a towel to clean off her hands and spun around to face me. “Yeah? Who is it?”

I looked at Sana standing behind me and placed a hand lightly on her back as she walked forward. “Hi aunt Fatma”

“Sana!” Mom couldn’t keep her excitement at the surprise appearance and walked toward Sana, taking her in a warm hug.

Mom has always adored Sana, ever since she first met her a few years ago in one of our collective parents hang-outs with the other guys, always told me how smart and mature than all of us combined she was, that the world has got to look out for that girl because she was gonna change it.  
“It’s so good to see you, my dear!” Mom grabbed Sana’s shoulders to look at her properly. “Look at you! It’s been so long since I saw you!” Sana grinned. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing very well. Thank you” Sana answered. “And umm.. I’m sorry about the cancer”

Mom looked at her with gratitude. “Thank you, Sana. It’s not easy, but.. I have faith I can beat it. Inshallah”

Sana smiled widely. “Inshallah”

Mom’s gaze traveled between Sana and me, then sighed, settling her eyes at Sana's face. "Okay. There’s still about half an hour left till Maghrib, why don’t you both sit here until I finish making Iftar, then we can all sit and eat together!” She motioned toward the small table with 3 chairs in the middle of the kitchen.

“We can help” Sana offered. I had to bite a laugh down. Sana gave me a mock-hurt look.

“It’s alright, my dear. I’m almost done anyways” Mom shifted to take a spoon from the drawer. “Yousef why don’t you come here and taste the salt for me?”

I wiggles my eyebrows happily, moving to stand next to mom as she blew on a spoonful of soup before feeding me herself.

Mom’s lentil soup was almost the best thing in all existence, it was the perfect thing to have in a cold weather or when you’re sick, it’s light and spicy just the right amount, and even under any circumstances, like breaking a fast, I was always happy to have it.

The satisfaction was clear on my face, I asked mom for a second try but she simply pushed me away.

Sana was sitting down the table, watching us and smiling. I felt embarrassed as I almost didn’t notice her sitting there observing silently, looking away and clearing her throat bashfully when I returned her smile with one from me.

 

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened the group chat with the boys to type something quickly.

 

_Boys_

_Are you still at the party?_

 

I glanced at Sana then took a seat next to her, keeping some distance between us not to discomfort her. “Do you need to be home at a certain time?”

She shook her head. “Not really. My parents are used to me staying late at parties” She hesitated for a second. “I texted my mom on the tram that I’m gonna be here”

“Is she okay with that?” I asked carefully.

She didn’t answer, only looked at her hands on the table like she was hiding something. I meant to ask her what’s wrong when mom placed a kitchen mitten in the center of the table and put the soup pan on top of it.

“Yousef, why don’t you bring some bowls and spoons from the cupboard? We’re not using straws to eat this thing!”

Sana’s expression shifted completely from the concerned look she had on her to smiling at my mom. I stood up to bring out spoons from the cabinets with a worried feeling in my stomach, when my phone pinged in my hand.

 

**_Adam:_ **

_We just left_

_How’s your date?_

 

_Very funny_

_Listen, can you all come over after iftar?_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Sana went home already?_

 

_No_

_But I don’t know if she’s comfortable with staying alone_

_With only me and mom_

 

**_Mikael:_ **

_Why can’t we come for iftar?_

_Why after?_

 

_Because I can’t exactly ask my mom to make more soup_

_For four more hungry stomachs!!_

 

**_Elias:_ **

_Ignore Mikael_

_We’ll pick ourselves some kebab and come over_

  


I sighed in relief, then silently placed the plates on the table.

 

After Iftar, mom left me to clean up the dishes as she excused herself to go meet up with my aunt. She whispered to me about making sure to ‘treat that girl right’ and ‘not do something stupid or something I might regret’. So much for trying to be relaxed and not super cautious.

 

“Your mother looks good” Sana drying the plates off with a kitchen towel while I was washing.

“Yeah. She has good and bad days. Today is _really_ good!” I don’t know if it had to do anything with Sana’s presence at the house but I said that like it had everything to do with it, with a wide grin.

She reddened and smiled for the millionth time today, and for the millionth time I felt the breath gets stuck in my throat from only looking at her beauty. “Hey.. umm.. I told the boys to come over”

Sana blinked. “Oh!”

“Yeah, I just..” I sighed. “I really don’t know if your mom will be okay with.. us.. spending time alone, and.. I know, we aren’t really alone but..”

I felt the disappointment coming at me, but instead she placed a hand on my arm. “No. Hey. That’s.. good, actually. It will be great to go home with Elias with me”

I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding and huffed out a laugh. “Okay. Okay”

We worked silently for a moment, but the air felt heavy when none of us was talking, until Sana opened her mouth.

“The other day, when you walked me home from Noora’s..” Sana confessed “My mom.. she saw us from the window, but before she could shout for me, I was already walking inside” She took a deep breath, but her eyes were avoiding me, like she was embarrassed. “She didn’t like that I.. was out.. with you, and that Elias didn’t come home that night.. it’s just.. it was because you’re not Muslim, and she still thinks that you drink”

“I wonder whom do I thank for that” I joked.

She simpered. “I don’t want to upset her, but…”

I turned to face her. “What do you think?” She looked at me confused. “About me being not Muslim. What do you think?”

“I wish it wasn’t an issue” She said bluntly. “Because, I personally don’t care, you are a good person and Elias told me you’re the best guy he knows.. but my faith means a lot to me, you know? It’s hard for me to be with someone who doesn’t share it with me”

I swallowed the huge lump in my throat. This conversation was taking a direction I didn’t very much like. I started questioning everything in my head, every smile she cast at me, every look she returned and the whole walk to here and the meal we had with my mother in my house.

All the feelings of being manipulated and lead on that had been burning inside me for a long time, all the feeling of being tortured with mixed signals came rushing into me, producing smoke out of my ears.

My face had seemingly turned yellowish, because Sana reached out to touch my arm again, and pulled me out of my thoughts.

“Hey” Her hand gripped on my forearm. “Please, listen to me” I looked at her, trying my best not to let my frustration show. She had a pleading look in her eyes, like she was afraid of being pushed away. “I know that you think that I’m leading you on, or playing with your emotions by being here, but I’m not, I swear. It’s hard for me but I’m taking it one step at a time. Because I feel the same way you do, and because I believe that we’re in this for a reason, and if I don’t try hard to figure it out I’ll forever regret it”

 

Damn you. You beautiful, fucking gorgeous mind reader.

 

I’ve been so consumed by my own reasons, so busy thinking about how hard it is for me to make a move or repair the little damage done at the start. But Sana.. Sana was always ahead. She had more going in her head than the little things I was neck deep in—rejection and moving on, she was thinking much further, to a future she knows nothing about, a purpose that she was willing to sacrifice her power and time to find, even if it was with the most unlikely person; _me,_ a guy who doesn’t share her belief.

Sana was already past a first date.

 

The blood rushed back to my face after this rollercoaster of emotions and I dropped my head, laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation is.

 

“What?!” She sounded confused and worried, like she just watched me turn into a maniac.

I looked at her, and to think that I couldn’t be more in love, was wrong. It only took seconds to get my heart to beat faster than it ever did, to be cloaked in a warm feeling of being loved by the one person I always wanted to care.

I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms, kiss her and tell her that I was okay, just by her being by my side, I was okay. But everything has to happen on its time, and this was not it for her. And I was okay.

 

“Elias says I’m the best guy he knows?” I smirked.

Her eyebrow furrowed. “Yeah?”

I licked my lips, forming the next smart comment in my head. “You asked Elias about me?”

Sana registered what I was trying to do and rolled her eyes, turning back to drying the plates without giving any comment back, only shaking her head deniable, completely unimpressed.

And just like that, the mood was easily lifted back up, and both of us were laughing again, throwing glances at each other, until the boys were finally here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me forever to write. I think I re-did it at least 3 times before I was finally okay with the final outline.
> 
> As you can see the story is almost coming to an end, which I have yet to write. It may take one more chapter to finish it but I cannot stand an odd number for chapters xD
> 
> If you're on twitter, you can find me @vilabelle . I'd love to have new friends who understand my Yousana obsession.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and tuning in. All your comments are deeply appreciated.


	9. The World Isn't Good Enough But We're Perfect

School year was finally over, at least for kindergarteners it was, and here I was, back with my boys at The Bakkoushes’ backyard, playing games like we always do.

Today was supposed to be the day I fly to Istanbul, but for some reason, mom had me change the reservations last Friday after everyone left the house, saying that she needs one more week to get herself ready to move to another country for two years, even though she had already shipped all her clothes and essentials there to my grandparents’ place weeks ago. I’m not sure if I should believe her but I didn’t mind at all.

I was feeling more relaxed than ever, my summer break just started, all the things I have spent  _ weeks  _ worrying about were completely out of my mind, replaced by beautiful memories and future expectations.

It was a beautiful sunny day, music was playing from Adam’s phone, I had already took my turn and was waiting for the boys to finish theirs.

“No we can’t play in teams!” Mutta protested. “Because then no one would want to play with me!”

“That’s the point, Mutta” Adam said casually, dropping the stick in his hand and nailing his points. He gave Mutta a victorious smirk then high-fived Elias.

Mutta pouted. “Next time I’m calling Even to back me up”

I laughed. “We should tell him to come sometime” 

“I did” Elias said, standing, watching Mutta take his turn very slowly, probably reciting the whole Quran before deciding to throw his stick. “He said he had to work today, but he’ll come next time”

 

Elias. If only he knew he was better than all of us.

Only that he actually isn’t. 

 

Elias looked at me and giggled. “You know, at the party? He told us that you met with him days before”

I nodded, resting my elbows over my knees. “Yes”

“And we had a great time talking about your hopeless romantic ass”

Adam and Mikael burst out laughing, almost falling to their knees. Mutta had started laughing too and missed his shot. I squinted. “What?”

“We just talked about your journey with Sana. How it went from a little crush to the complete inability to talk when she’s around” Elias shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing. I just rolled my eyes, still in disbelief of how my love life had become a joke, even to Sana’s brother himself. 

“I hate all of you” I shook my head. “Including Even”

Mikael walked and sat next to me, patting at my back. “Don’t worry, man. We will always tease you about it”

“Even in your wedding” Adam added. 

“ _ Especially  _ in your wedding” Mikael confirmed. 

“Even after you have the third child!” Mutta said.

And just as I opened my mouth about to threaten them, Sana chose that exact moment to come out and show up, and the words died in my throat.

 

I hate that they were right how speechless I get at seeing her face.

 

“Hi” She stood over me and Mikael.

“Hey Sana!” Mikael said, then smoothly stood up and walked to take his turn in the game after Elias, leaving his spot next to me open for her. I looked up at her and tapped the grass next to me. “Sit?”

She smiled and nodded, taking a seat next to me and leaving a bit of space between us.

“When are you leaving to Turkey?” She had her legs folded toward her, her arms resting over her knees.

“I was supposed to go this Saturday, but mom made me change it to next week” I said picking on the grass next to me.

“Oh!”

I nodded. “Yeah. She still has things to do here, I guess? I don’t know”

Sana raised her eyebrows in surprise. “And how was your weekend?” 

“Great! How was yours?”

She squared her shoulders. “I had an exam on Sunday, so.. it was a normal, books-filled weekend!” 

I chuckled. “That doesn’t sound so much fun”

She huffed out a sarcastic laugh. “No it wasn’t. But I had plenty of fun on Friday, so it was like fuel”

I tilted my head, smiling at her till my teeth showed. She got shy from how I was looking at her, but she never looked away from my eyes or let go of the smile.

“Mom told me to tell you hi the next day” I said throwing the grass in my hand to her face. There was no reason why I did that, and it was the stupidest thing to do, but she didn’t even bother rubbing it off of her scarf.

“Then why didn’t you?” Sana questioned.

I took in a breath, turning the side of my face to her, looking at her from the corner of my eye. “I don’t know. I guess it has something to do with me being blocked on Facebook or something” I joked, and luckily it didn’t trigger guilt with her, she just pulled her phone out of her pocket with a totally-Sana eyeroll. After a minute of Sana scrolling through her phone, I felt a buzz in mine in the pocket of the workout short I had on. I pulled it out and there was the notification I was waiting for.

 

_ Sana Bakkoush has sent you a friend request _

 

I accepted the request then put the phone back to my pocket and looked at her again, both of us smiling at each other. “Welcome back from the blacklist!” Sana said. “How does it feel?”

I took a deep breath. “As religious an experience could ever be. I feel blessed”

Sana threw her head to the back laughing. “Well, don’t take it for granted”

“I would never” Even thought it was meant to be part of the joke, it felt like a promise, to me more than to her, and I think she knew, because she looked at me firmly, like she believed me.

She then stood up, and I had to hold myself from protesting like a child. “I have to go back to my books. I’ll text you later?”

I nodded, and with that she turned on her heels back inside, leaving me in a pool of feelings, new and old ones. It felt as if my heart has been locked down in a cage for so long, and now it was free, beating in the same rhythm it used to, but more alive, more at peace.

The noise behind me have became distinguished once Sana disappeared behind the door, and I could hear my name called. I turned and it was Adam saying that it was my turn in the game, and when I walked over, I ignored Mikael’s eyebrows wiggling at me.

 

After a while, the heat started getting to us and we all started sweating, so we called the end of the game and went inside to sit in the living room.

Before I entered, Elias caught up to me and stopped me by his hand on my shoulder.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked, no trace of distress or anger on his face, so I just nodded, and he motioned toward the kitchen.

“Help yourself to water if you want some!” Elias said leaning against the counter with his back.

I shook my head. “Not thirsty” And stood opposite of him, leaning against the dining table.

A few seconds passed. It wasn’t awkward, but you can’t help but feel the sense of anticipation in the air.

“So..” He cleared his throat, tying both arms to his chest. “You know what this is about”

 

I kinda did. 

 

“This is where you say ‘ _ if you hurt my sister I’m going to kill you’ _ ?”

“No” Elias denied. “You know better. If you hurt her  _ she’s  _ gonna kill you!” We both laughed, easing the tense in the atmosphere a little. “It  _ is  _ about Sana, but that’s not what I want to tell you” He paused for a while. “I don’t want any of you to get hurt, she’s my baby sister and you’re my best guy, Yousef” He looked at me straight into the eyes. “Sana doesn’t date for fun, not to show off or to have a dance partner at parties, she’s either both feet in or completely out”

“I know”

“So you have to decide how serious you are about her, because she’s in it for the long haul, and I don’t want her to feel like she wasted her time with someone who just.. didn’t have the same thoughts” I dropped my gaze nodding. Elias sighed. “I’m not saying that you should change and stick with her, I’m just.. I guess.. warning you?”

I lifted my eyes toward him and raised an eyebrow. “Warn me?”

He laughed. “It’s not like that” He waved his hand in front of his face. “I’m just saying that, you know.. if you don’t want to, you know, future and stuff, you should tell her”

I sighed, loosening my arms. “Elias..”

“I know you care about her a lot, maybe in love with her too, but like I said, man. I don’t want any of you to be hurt. I don’t want any of you to start something with someone who doesn’t share the same purpose, you know?”

When Elias was finished, or at least when I thought he was, I started. “You don’t have to worry about that” I assured him, because I knew what I signed up for, I knew that Sana have had a hard time deciding whether it is the right thing to be with me or not, and I know she is trying her best to make things work, but I did not spend 2 years of my life having the stupidest crush and then fall in love with her just to be the one who is scared away when he realized how serious she was. It was important for Elais to know that now. “She.. she’s it for me” 

Elias’s lips curved into a smile with satisfied smirk on his face, nodding slowly. “Good” 

“Okay. You’re making me uncomfortable. Can we go back?” I said pointing at the kitchen’s door that leads to the living room.

Elias snorted. “Yeah alright” And put an arm over my shoulders as we walked out to join the rest of the boys.

  
  


+++++

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Hey Yousef _

_ I know your flight to Turkey is coming up soon, but I’d still like to invite you to our Eid party on June 24th. _

_ It’d mean a lot to me to celebrate the end of Ramadan with friends and family, so I hope I’d see you at our house at 10 when we can all break our fast together to delicious food with great people.  _

_ P.S. I know I could’ve let Elias invite you along with the other boys, but I thought why not tell you myself. See? Communication! _

_ Sana _

 

I was lying in bed that afternoon, just going through my phone without a purpose when I received that short and sweet message, making my heart squeeze and aches in my chest in the most beautiful way. It wasn’t because I was invited to the party, but it meant so much to me that she decided to tell me about it herself and not via Elias. It was the smallest gesture but it felt like two hundred steps ahead from where we were two or three weeks ago.

Before I could find the words to reply with, mom came and stood by the door frame. 

 

“Are you going anywhere today?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. The boys have school work and stuff”

She nodded and stayed silent for a moment. I knew that wasn’t the end of that talk. “How’s Sana doing?” 

I snorted. Of course she wanted to talk about her, especially after last Friday. I was confused when she didn’t bring the subject up the very next day. “She’s busy with exams as well”

Mom nodded again, and this time I looked at her waiting for her next question. She had a distanced look in her eyes, like she is seeing something that she cannot approach. She walked over and sat on the furthest edge of my bed.

“You know why I actually asked you to push our flight date a week later?” She finally asked.

“I know it’s not to send more stuff there!” I replied, dropping my phone on the bed next to me and sitting up, turning my body to face her.. “But no. I don’t”

Mom sighed, the lines between her eyebrows popping. “When you were little, before my cancer and everything that came along with it, you used to ask for a lot. And I used to change the channel on commercial break when we watch tv because the toys ads could start a long conversation of you begging for it, reasoning why you need it and milking the energy from my brain until I give up and say yes” She shook her head smiling at the memory, I smiled as well. “But then, after I got sick the first time you just,you didn’t become quiet but you weren’t as vocal with your needs and wants as you used to be, you even taught yourself how to cook so you can stop asking me for food when you’re hungry”

I frowned. “I still ask for food!”

“Only when I ask you what meal you want me to cook that day” She answered firmly, shutting me down. “It became my mission to figure out the things that you want but choose not to talk about. It’s hard sometimes but I’m getting better at it” I couldn’t take my eyes off of my mom’s. I never thought about things that way, me doing things myself, it was a part of the process of growing up, I thought that I had to be ‘the man’ for my mom after my dad left.

She was looking softly at me, or as I call it  _ ‘the mom look’,  _ it was her way of saying that she understood me, not because I had to explain anything to her, but because she was my mom, and I will always be her child.

She sighed. “I know that girl means a lot to you, and she has for a long time, seeing how you two were looking at each other, how instant happiness was written over your face till the next morning, I couldn’t let you leave too soon” 

“Mama..”

“I’m not trying to make your decisions, but I hoped that it didn’t hurt to have a little more time with her before we go”

 

I didn’t have it in me to reject what she did or not be thankful for it. Of course I was. The issue is, I didn’t know if it would make that big of a difference.

I inhaled a deep breath, Mom needed to know that I still need her, maybe not to make me my favorite dish or to let my sleep on her leg, but also just to be present with me in my life. 

“She’s hosting an Eid party the same night we leave. What should I do?”

“You tell he that you’ll go see her before you go to the airport” Mom said firmly. “Even for an hour, you’ll go and see your girl, son”

I laughed. “She’s not…”

Mom stood up from the bed smirking. “Oh she is. Don’t try to deny it” And with that she walked out.

  
  


_ My flight is on the same night,  _

_ but I will be at your party for a little while _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ What time do you leave? _

 

_ It says 12:20 on the boarding pass _

_ We’re gonna have to be at the airport at least an hour before that _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Oh _

 

_ What’s wrong? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Nothing _

 

_ Sana? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ What? _

 

_ Communication! Remember? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ I guess I never thought about you leaving so soon. _

_ Too soon. _

 

_ What do you mean? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ I thought things were going well, you know? _

_ We were finally talking instead of glaring at each other from afar like stalkers _

 

_ What makes you think that we’ll stop talking? _

_ There’s internet there if you didn’t know _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Wow! Thanks for enlightening me! _

 

_ But seriously, you don’t think I’ll keep in touch? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ It’s not that _

_ I just don’t know if everything will be the same when you come back. _

 

_???? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ I can’t explain it better  _

 

_ What are you doing tonight? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Me and the girls are taking our van for a ride. Why? _

 

_ Cancel that and come with me _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ What? _

 

_ Let’s go out somewhere, you and me _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Okay... _

_ What is this about? _

 

_ Our first date _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ That sounds cheesy _

 

_ It is. _

_ Now, will you go out with me? _

_ When should we meet? _

_ Where do you want to go? _

_ I’ll meet you wherever you want! _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Wow! Okay _

_ I don’t know _

_ Do you have a place in mind? _

  
  


_ Rådhusbrygga at 9:00? _

 

**_Sana:_ **

_ Cool! _

  
  


_ Cool! _

  
  


I was more excited about this than I could’ve put in a text. Finally me and Sana, a week after we acknowledged our feelings for each other, doing something about them. Even though we have gotten more comfortable around each other since then, the question of ‘what’s next’ seemed to be the hardest thing to answer, but this was completely unplanned and slipped very naturally in the conversation in the least awkward manner it could.

 

The rest of the day went by fast, and by the time I arrived at the fjord I only had to wait few minutes before her name appeared on my phone screen.

“Hey”

“Hey” She said softly into the phone. I can hear that she was close from the sound of the seagulls in the background. “I’m standing next to a giant yellow yacht. Where are you?”

I looked around the yachts in my sight. There was no yellow yacht. “I’m by the swimming area. I don’t see any yellow here”

“Hmm.. I don’t know where the swimming area is. This is my first time here”

I blinked repetitively in shock. “What?! You never been to Rådhusbrygga before?”

“I know. But I’m not a beach person at all”

“I’m not either”

“Then what are we doing here?” I heard the smirk in her voice.

I tried to find an excuse. “The sunset is pretty here!”

“It is from my bedroom’s balcony as well!”

I closed my eyes. “Stop making everything so hard on me, Sana!”

She laughed. “I’m just joking. I’m glad for the new experience”

I was still walking around trying to look for her. “Well, this is not a regular beach, we’ll find something you can enjoy”

“I’m sure we will”

“But right now I gotta find  _ you _ first. Where the hell are you?”

Sana laughed. “I seriously don’t know. I think I.. is that you with the backpack?” I turned to one side then to the other, trying to spot her. “Yes. I see you now. Why do you need a backpack?” I still have yet to see her. I’m not sure if she’s actually seeing me or someone else. “If you don’t stop going around yourself like that people will think you’re crazy”

I laughed, having stopped looking around for a moment. “Okay. But make sure that you’re seeing me and not some other random dude with a backpack”

“You think I can’t differentiate between you and any random guy?”

“I think that we don’t see each other very often and you might’ve forgotten how I look like” I teased.

“Well then that must be why you can’t see where I am now. Because you forgot how  _ I  _ look like!”

I couldn’t help the wide smile that took over my expression, and when I finally located her walking toward me, my cheeks started hurting from grinning so much. It was a sight I could get used to for sure.

She was only a few steps away from me when she ended the call and shoved her phone into a zipped pocket of her jacket. 

 

“Ah! Looks like you remember now!” She exclaimed, stopping to stand in front of me, her dimples popping up through her smirk.

A snort escaped my nose. “Hey”

“Hi” She grinned.

The sun was on its way down, and its rays were beamer on our eyes, but Sana looked like she belonged with the beautiful colors the sky was all around us. Even in her simple grey clothes and camouflage jacket, she always seem like a part of nature.

When neither of us made a move for the next 3 seconds, I pointed behind me. “So, shall we start the tour?”

She giggled. “Lead the way”

 

For the next hour, we were going around like children, racing, jumping down the stairs, playing with the showers that were around the area for swimmers. We stood by one of these and tried playing what I called ‘The Game of Trust’, where we have to stand under the shower for 10 seconds to prove that we trust each other not to turn the water on.

“Well then you have to stand here too!” Sana said, still debating with herself whether she should trust me not to get her clothes wet.

I stood and walked over to her. “Okay. We’ll stand together” There was only few inches between us as she had her hand hovering over the button, threatening to press it and let the water fall. I looked at her in the most challenging matter, trying to freak out over how close our faces were to each other. “I dare you to. You’re bad at this game” I nodded my head closer to hers, she had the biggest smile on her face. “Come on! Do it!”

Sana finally dropped her hand away from the button, proving me right. She smiled softly. “Okay we trust each other” 

“Yeah we do” I replied pushing at the button when she just merely passed it, causing the shower to start, and Sana jumping away to avoid the water.

 

The sun was almost all the way down. We were just walking around by now, Sana wasn’t whining or looking tired as I supposed she would be by now, but when I told her we have a few seconds left till she could break her fast she gasped happily like a kid  with candies, and we started the countdown.

 

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…”

 

I looked at her, she seemed happy, and my lungs were filled with fresh air from seeing her wide smile.

 

“Five, four, three, two, one”

 

I lifted my hands up and started singing the theme song of Rocky like it was the thing that made sense the most in the entire world, like we finally reached the endline. I saw Sana joining me with her hands up as well, but soon she dropped them and started laughing at how random that was.

“There’s water in my bag if you want” I said turning my back to her so she could unzip it herself”

“Okay”

She took out the water bottle, still eyeing my backpack with uncertainty. Soon she started chugging the water in one breath that I was sure she was going to choke herself drinking. “That’s enough, Sana”. She shook her head and took a step away, and when she was halfway through the bottle she pulled it down and sighed in great satisfaction. “Was that good?”

She nodded with a smirk. “That was great!”

“Are you hungry?”

She took another shug of the water. “Starving. I think we need to go and buy some food”

I frowned. “You don’t think I brought food?”

Sana raised her eyebrows in amusement. “You brought food?!”

“Of course I brought food, Sana!” I turned to face her. “I’m not going on a date with a girl who’ve been fasting for nineteen hours without bringing food! I’m Yousef, you know!”

Her smile was widening by the second, her cheek reddening along as she looked at me with the kindest look in her eyes. “Awwwwh”

“D.. Do not ‘awww’ me!” I was starting to feel embarrassed. “I get real awkward when you do that! I can’t even look at you right now!”

Sana laughed and looked at my backpack again, this time with more recognition. “That’s what the backpack is for!”

I shook my head, totally unimpressed, but she was laughing hard now and I couldn’t help but join her.

“You need to pray?” I said after we both calmed down. “I stole mom’s rug if you want it”

Sana stopped in her track and looked at me like I grew two other heads on my shoulders, I was starting to wonder what was wrong until she smiled, her eyes sparkling with something that made my heart beat faster. “Yes. Thank you”

I smiled back, turning my bag to my chest to pull the small prayer rug I stole from my mom’s drawer out and give it to her, she took it and pulled out her phone, turning around a little until she settled on a direction to face, she placed the rug in front of and started praying, entering her quiet headspace. I sat down at the edge of the jetty, picking out the food out of the bag and setting it next to me while she performed the all too familiar rituals of Maghrib prayer, and after she turned her head to both sides finishing up, she started murmuring under her breath what I assumed were post-prayer supplications and remembrance.

When she finished she flashed me a calm relaxed smiled, and I smiled back. “Amen”

She giggled. “Amen”. Sitting next to me with the food between us, Sana let out a pleased sound, inhaling the smell of the food. “Does this smell like the most amazing thing in the world or am I seriously hungry?”

I took the lids of the two bowls of soup we had. “Could be both”

“I say both too” She confirmed, taking a spoon and one of the similar bowls.

 

We spent the next 15 minutes eating and talking about religion, society and fate, it was getting colder and darker but the soup was warming our insides.

It was nice talking with someone like Sana, we both had quite different mindsets regarding religion, but none of us was judging the other, all we did was trying to understand each other’s points of view and finding a common ground. I never thought about the purpose of life and how everything exists for a reason until that talk we had weeks and weeks ago, it became clear to me that despite everything, despite the chaos in the world, there was a plan for the universe and every little thing in it, everything happened as a result of something and happens to result in something else. It was no coincidence, and Sana was the one who made me open my eyes to that, it makes me wonder what else in the future will that girl change in me.

 

“I’m scared for my mom” I found myself saying. Sana turned to look at me with fixed eyes. “Everything about moving to Turkey and being with her parents during the treatment, it all sound like a death wish” Sana didn’t comment, didn’t say anything, like she was sure I had more to tell and waited for me to. “You know she made me push the flight date a week further because she wanted us to spend more time together?”

“Such a mom move!” She giggled lightly.

“Yeah!” I huffed a laugh, nodding my head. “She keeps talking about how it’s the right time to go back to where her family is, my future plans and going on with my life without worrying about her” I looked at Sana, allowing her to see my eyes that were filled with tears, on the urge of falling. “I don’t know how to not worry about her”

 

I fought back the need to cry in me, rubbing my nose into the sleeve of my jacket, until somehow Sana produced a tissue out of her pocket and gave it to me. 

 

“You know what’s funny? She’s very religious, like a hundred times more religious than you” I said laughing and looking at Sana, who just smiled shyly. “I always asked myself why would God put that much suffering into one human who had done nothing but good in her life? She was almost fully devoted, like an imam, and while she never judged me or questioned me about my choices, her battles were her source to strengthen her faith. The cancer, my dad, then the cancer again. It makes me wonder if I’m looking at everything the wrong way”

“It’s not wrong. It’s just different” Sana commented.

“Right. But a lot of things contradict, and they all make sense somehow. I’m just trying to find the group in that big revue party that I feel more connected to” I added.

A few seconds of silence washed upon us, then Sana turned to me with a smile. “We can always join groups, you know?”

I grinned. “Yeah?”

Sana nodded. “Yup. Team  _ ‘The Cockroach In The Big Universe’.  _ It’s going to be the smartest team in the party! We can make that into t-shirts, mugs and keychains..”

Feeling the weight my heart going liter, Sana joined me as we both laughed at her merchandise idea, she kept adding ideas and plans and I couldn’t help but feel so much admiration for her attempt to lightening the mood and lifting my spirit.

When she was done laughing, she leant down a little trying to catch my eyes. They had less tears now. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through with your mother, but.. I think she doesn’t want to feel like you put her before your own self, at least that’s what my mom says about motherhood”

I glanced down at the bowl of soup that had gone cold now. “Do you think she’ll be able to beat the cancer if she went to Turkey without me?”

 

Sana took a deep breath. “I think she will have something to fight for and kick this disease in the ass”

I nodded slowly, finding more hope and peace in Sana’s reassuring words than I did for a long time by myself. I was glad to finally let things off of my chest, and I was more glad to have done it with her, not because she needed to know these stuff about me, but because it felt right, and she listened without looking sympathetic or judgemental toward me, instead she, more than anything, was more understanding than I expected her to be, which made me feel bad for not giving her the credit she deserves.

“Thank you” I said with great sincere. 

Sana smiled widely. “No problem” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize greatly for the long delay. I know I said it will be mostly a week between each chapter and I kinda took a month with this one, but school work was stressing the hell out of me.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter even though it's a little too long. Thank you for staying with me for this fic, the next and last chapter will be up soon hopefully.


	10. The Butterfly Effect

“Hey! Yousef! My man!” Ahmed shouted gleefully stepping to the side and welcoming me into the house. “Great to have you here!”

“Thank you” I said walking in, dressed in long fitted pants and a patterned shirt with rolled-up sleeves, something I don’t usually wear when coming to the Bakkoushes house. “It’s good to see you, Ahmed”

Ahmed closed the door after me. “You know your way in the house almost as good as me, so we’ll skip the tour” He joked. “Everyone is in the backyard, by the way, but Sana’s in the kitchen with Jamilla if you want to.. you know.. say hi”

It took me a minute to understand what he was saying until I saw the wiggling eyebrows and the evil smirk on his face and rolled my eyes. “The guys already told you, didn’t they?”

“They didn’t have to” Ahmed replied. “I only got a text from Elias last week that  _ literally _ said ‘Yousef and Sana’s wedding 2020’” I hid my face in both hands and groaned into my palms as Ahmed laughed. I don’t know why did I expect a different reaction from Sana’s brothers. “It’s adorable, man. Me and Jamilla already picked your baby names”

I lifted my head quickly. “Jamilla is on to it too?”

Ahmed arched his eyebrow like I was asking about the obvious. “You did confess your everlasting love to Sana while she was at the house 2 rooms away. Plus you looked like a sad llama that day and left without a notice right after”

I shook my head slowly, already having so many regrets for ever being so obvious with my feelings. Ahmed patted my shoulder roughly. “You’re a great dude, Yousef. Good to have you!” He said and disappeared in the kitchen. I debated myself if I should go in there too or to the backyard until I decided to stop embarrassing myself more and walked through to the back door. 

 

The backyard of the Bakkoushes was filled with people, I recognized some of Sana’s friends sitting around, and some extended family members I have met before on occasions. In the middle of the yard, there was a long table of food and goodies, but since there was still few minutes till Maghrib, everything still looked covered and untouched. I spotted Elias, Mikael and Adam by the fence, all dressed in traditional clothes, I walked toward them with my hands in my pockets.

“Hey. Here is he!” Adam said when I joined their little circle.

“You look good, bro!” Mikael said scanning my outfit.

“Thanks”

Elias dropped an arm around my shoulders. “Have you said hi to Sana? She’s in the kit…”

“With Jamilla” I cut him off mid-sentence. “I know. And no I didn’t” I gave him a look. “Did you tell Ahmed everything we talked about last week?”

Elias removed his arm and and furrowed his eyebrows at me. “Hey. He’s her bro too. He should know”

“Yes, but you two are having too much fun with it!” I complained.

Elias chuckled, taking few seconds before answering. “Yes we are” He patted my back. “It’s all good, man. We like you, my sister  _ LIKES  _ you, my dad likes you..”

“Your mom doesn’t” I added firmly, trying not to sound too sad about it.

“She’ll come around. Don’t worry about her” He replied reassuringly, with Mikael and Adam nodding on the other side. “Now, this is a great party, and you only have a little time before you have to leave, so try to enjoy”

I nodded with agreement, just as I felt and arm go around me again. 

“Hello brothers!” Mutta said cheerfully pushing himself between me and Elias. “Look who I brought with me”

We turned around and saw Even and Isak walking toward us with a smile. “Hi”

We all greeted and hugged the couple, expanding our circle to include them, that’s when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“You made it!” Noora said smiling when I turned to face her.

“Of course!” I replied proudly/

“Did you bring the…” She asked, and I immediately digged my hand into my pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and gave it to her. Noora unfolded it, scanning through it with her eyes. “She’s gonna love this!”

“I hope so!”

Noora grinned and walked, and I turned back to the boys. 

 

When it was time to break the fast, Elias’s parents, Mr & Mrs Bakkoush invited everyone to gather around the food table.

“We’re very glad to be breaking our fast for the last day of Ramadan joined by family and the friends of Elias and Sana..” Mr. Bakkoush announced while Mrs. Bakkoush started passing the plates to each, and it was then that I saw Sana for the first time that evening, standing between Noora and Eva at the furthest end of the table. 

My breath was caught in my throat at the sight of her, wearing a beautiful fuschia Moroccan dress, I believe is called kaftan, and a matching head scarf. My heartbeat went faster as my eyes stayed glued at her, admiring her. It was a drastic change from the dark colors I am used to see Sana in, and all I could think about was how lucky I am to be standing in the same line with her parents where they can’t see how miserably fascinated I was eyeing their daughter. Sana caught me staring and bit her lip down trying to hold down a laugh. Her cheeks soon started to match her dress in the color as she dropped her eyes down shyly.

For these few seconds, I couldn’t make up what Mr. Bakkoush was saying, and I guess my state caught some attention from Even who stood next to me.

“Try having some self control, Yousef” He whispered to me. I could hear the smile in his voice even without looking at him.

I turned to Even, palming my chin nervously. “I’m in trouble, man. I’m sweating” I confessed.

Even giggled. “You’re not in trouble. You’re in love”

I sighed. “Fuck yeah I am”

 

“... and we hope you all enjoy the food. Please, help yourselves” Mr. Bakkoush finished, just as everyone had their plate in their hands along with a fork and a spoon. The table had so many different food that was hard to choose from, from Moroccan to Norwegian main dishes and sweets, it was always a pleasure to eat something cooked by Elias’s mother, and this was plenty.

But food wasn’t my main focus right now, my eyes found Sana again between the hustling people, she was walking toward me, slowly avoiding bumping into people as much as she can.

“Hi” She said standing in front of me, the widest smile on her face.

“Hey” I said back, and I couldn’t help my gaze going up and down and around her face. “You look.. very beautiful”

She blushed. “Thank you. I’m glad you came”

I smiled. “Me too. I’ll have to leave in an hour tho”

Sana nodded. “I know. But try to enjoy the party as much as you can”

I grinned at hearing the same sentence from another Bakkoush. “I will”

“And don’t leave without finding me first, okay?” She warned, waving a finger at me.

“Yes ma’am” Sana smiled timidly and turned on her heels to walk to the other side of the table. 

 

I started filling my plate with food, finding Elias and Mikael standing next to me, serving themselves more than their share of Moroccan tajine like it was the only dish in the buffet.

Just when I finished putting a little bit of everything I can have on my plate about to head to where the boys were sitting, I bumped into Mrs. Bakkoush taking some bread for herself. She smiled at me and I swallowed a pile in my throat and tried to force smile back. 

“Hello Yousef” She said calmly.

“Mrs. Bakkoush! Hi!”

She dropped her head a little to the side. “Son, I think I told you many times to call me Shereen” I rubbed the back of my head with my free hand, unsure of what to respond, because I still couldn’t dare to call her by her first name, especially now. But she continued. “Elias said you and your mom are flying tonight” I nodded. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s well, the treatment starts first thing tomorrow so we’re hoping for the best”

Mrs. Bakkoush smiled. “I really wish her a full recovery. Please tell her I said hi”

“Will do. Thank you” 

If it was up to me I would’ve used this opportunity to walk away from the conversation I knew was coming, but for some reason my feet weren’t moving an inch from where I stood in front of Mrs. Bakkoush and her examining looks. 

She took a deep breath, not meeting my eyes with hers at first. “Listen, Yousef. I’m not going to lie to you, but I am a bit concerned about how much time my daughter spends with you. I know you’re a good person, you’re very respectful and kind, and I am glad that you’re a friend to my children” She said softly, looking at me with determination to convey the words she’s saying. “But you and Sana, as an item, I don’t know if it’s the best thing for my her to be with someone who doesn’t share her faith. I’m afraid that she’s going to have to do things by herself, fast Ramadan, go to hajj.. you know what I mean?” I nodded, despite the sweat that started forming on my forehead and the back of my head. I didn’t want to look as worried as I felt but I couldn’t control how my fingers curled into a fist next to me while I rubbed my thumb over my knuckles. I dropped my head forward, finding the grass much more soothing than Mrs. Bakkoush’s concerned face. “Sana’s almost eighteen, but she can make decision better than most kids her age, and I trust her with taking care of herself and thinking ahead, so if she says that you are worth the sacrifice I’m going to believe her” I lifted my head slowly, trying to register the turn her speech took. “She told me about you bringing her food and a prayer rug when you went hanging out last week, Elias too told me how you keep him on his feet with the drinking, that resulted in a very different long conversation but I was able to see what they see in you, and it’s very admirable”

“I just want to be of support to them” I was finally able to say.

Mrs. Bakkoush nodded with a smile, reaching out to touch my shoulder. “And you are, son. You are” She pulled her hand back down. “I don’t want to be the one who ruins this for my daughter, and I want to stop judging you without knowing a thing about you. You particularly grew up with Elias in this house but we never had a talk outside the collective dinner table talk, right?” I shook my head with a weak smile. “If you really care about Sana, and will do anything to support her in her beliefs, I will try to understand you, okay? But you have to convince me..” I nodded again, promising the both of us.

 

I wanted to tell her that I came here today fasting, that I fasted the entire week, but I didn’t do that to impress anybody or prove myself to anyone, it was something between me and myself, and between God if there was ever one. Because more than anything, I wanted to try to understand Sana, and not based on my experience as a child doing what he saw his mom does, but as an adult who was making an effort to find the truth. It may not pay off, there’s a great chance that I will stick with my current ideology, but it never hurt to try.

 

“I wish you a safe flight tonight, Yousef” She gave me one last smile and walked past me, and I stood in my place shunned, trying to collect myself and my thoughts together. When I lifted my gaze up, I saw Elias standing a few meters away, looking at me with a worried face. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, and saw him walking toward me.

“I don’t think I’m hungry anymore!” I huffed a nervous laugh looking at the untouched plate in my hand.

“What did she say to you?” Elias skipped my attempt for humor and asked, his face frowning. 

“She.. said that she will try to understand me” I said, unsure of what I was saying. “That I have to prove to her that I’m worth it.. you know”

Elias blinked fast. “So she didn’t tell you to back off?” I shook my head. “Didn’t forbid you from ever meeting Sana?”

I shook my head with my eyebrows knotted. “No, why would she say that?”

Elias grinned. “That’s the closest thing to approval you’re gonna get right now! You should be happy, bro!”

He slapped my shoulder playfully, his smile growing wider and wider by the second.

I smiled back. “I am.. happy. Thanks man”. I stopped for a moment. “Hey. Did you really tell her about the drinking?”

Elias shuffled on his feet uncomfortably. “Yeah. If I’m gonna be any good as a person as you, then I better start trying, right?”

“You  _ are _ good, Elias” 

“And soon I will be the best” He said proudly, and I just rolled my eyes. I was glad that he believed me when I said it this time.

Elias turned around to find Even, who was sitting down with Isak with their food. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I saw Even’s face glow up, grinning so big that his teeth were showing, then looked at me with a thumb up, and I just nodded a ‘thank you’ with my head.

 

I finally sat down on a bench next to Mutta, Adam and Mikael who were arguing about something I couldn’t understand at first, but I heard the words ‘Isabell’ and ‘cheat’ and ‘drunk’ fly around and that was all I needed to know without being involved.

“Let’s ask Yousef!” Mutta suggested turning to face me.  _ What was I saying about not being involved?  _ “Did you know that Isabel is a lesbian?”

I shook my head with my mouth full of food. “No”

Mutta looked back at Mikael, raising both hands up. “See? No one knew!”

“No, I mean..” I added. “She’s not a lesbian. She’s bi” Mutta, Adam and Mikael stared at me silently for a minute, while I in my head wondered what was wrong with them. “What? You didn’t know? Everybody knew!”

“That makes so much sense now” Adam nodded slowly. “So I still have a chance, right?”

Mikael snorted. “You never had a chance to begin with, Adam”

I bursted out laughing, Mutta was hitting the table unable to control himself as well. Adam eyed Mikael with the most revengeful look he could pull, which was still not taken serious by Mikael.

 

Suddenly, a clicking sound of cutlery against glass grabbed all of our attention, looking around, I found Jonas standing on a chair behind the food, holding a fancy-looking piece of paper. “It’s time for a speech!”

People started gathering in front of Jonas, me and the boys got off of our seats and went to stand with everyone else as they started chanting  _ ‘speech!’ _ . Jonas chuckled nervously. “I didn’t write this, tho. It was Noora”

“And Yousef!” Noora added loudly. “Isak helped a little too!” 

Adam and Mikael patted my back as I smiled awkwardly, the same moment I saw Sana in the front turn her head back to me and look at me with a matching dimpled smile.

Jonas cleared his throat and began reading. “Dear Sana, this speech is for you, and you’re getting it because what you invited us today for, overthrows American Presidents tomorrow..”

 

“What the hell are you doing back here?” I heard Elias whisper from behind me, his hand pressing at my back pushing me forward. “Go stand next to her you idiot!”

I started paving my way to the front line, Vilde stepped away a little when she saw me approaching, a knowing smirk on her face, and when I was standing right by Sana’s shoulder, she looked at me and moved to have me standing next to her, and grabbed my forearm with both hands, her fingers slightly touching my palm.

 

“We live in a chaotic world where it’s difficult to understand the rules. Why are some people poor and other people are rich? Why do people have to be refugees while others are safe? Why are some people spit on the street? And why is it that sometimes, even though you try to do something good, it’s still met with hate? It’s not weird that people give up. That they stop believing in the good. But thank you so much for not giving up, Sana. Because even though it sometimes feels like it, no one’s ever alone. Each and every one of us is a part of the big chaos. And what you do today, has an effect tomorrow”

 

I slid my hand all the way against Sana’s, closing my fingers around hers and looking down at her. Her eyes were locked with mine for a moment, conveying so many feelings, like she wanted me to see the words read by Jonas it in her dark hazel eyes, that she believes and understands. She squeezed my hand with her fingers and faced the front, leaning closer to my side.

 

“It can be hard to say, exactly what kind of effect. And you usually can’t see how everything fits together. But the effects of your actions, are always there, somewhere in the chaos. In a hundred years, we may have machines that can predict the effect of every action, but until then, we can trust this: Fear spreads, but fortunately, love does to”

 

Even was the first one to break the silence that came after Jonas finished reading, screaming and clapping excitedly before everyone followed. I let go of Sana’s hand for a moment to join everybody applauding the speech. Jonas bowed proudy, and I saw Sana blinking away the wetness in her eyes, her lips curved into a soft appreciative smile, she turned around to hug Noora and her other friends tightly in one big group hug, expressing so much happiness in little words and lots of expressions and hand gestures. 

I stood on the side, watching the sweet interaction, when Jonas stepped down from the chair I bumped fists with him.

“That was beautiful” I commented.

“You wrote it, man!” Jonas replied as if he didn’t think he deserved the compliment. “Hey. We should hang out sometime. All of us and all of you!”

I agreed. “We do!”

“How’s tomorrow’s afternoon for you?”

I hissed. “You’ll have to check with the other guys, I am supposed to be on a plane in...” I lifted my left wrist where my watch sat, and was shocked by the time I was reading. “... Oh shit. An hour and a half!”

Jonas lifted his eyebrows up. “Oh. Okay. Have a safe flight then!” He took my hand and shook it firmly before heading to join his friends.

Sana seemed to have heard the conversation and came back to stand before me. “You’re leaving now?” She sounded a little bit disappointed.

“I’ll have to go back home and pick up mom and our bags” I tried to excuse myself.

Sana leant forward and grabbed my hand. “Come with me inside”

She walked pulling me behind her through the back door of the house and toward the stairs. When we were up she took me to where her bedroom was and opened the door.

 

It was blue. 

 

And I remembered staring at the blue walls of my room few weeks ago, hating it, like I was trapped between 4 mirror of how my soul felt that time.

Looking at Sana’s little world now. Blue isn’t as bad as I thought it was anymore.

I smiled to myself, but before I could make a comment, Sana walked to the large set of drawers and opened one of them. “I loved the speech, by the way. It was very sweet”

I nodded. Still remaining where I stood by the door. “I’m glad you liked it!”

“Which part did you write?” She asked, picking something out of the first drawer and then closing it.

I had to think for a moment, rubbing the back of my head. “The part about how every action results in another action.. the butterfly effect”

“The butterfly effect” She said it at the same time I did, both of us giggling. She got on her tiptoes, wrapping her arms over my shoulders and pulling me down to her embrace. My arms circled her form almost immediately, pulling her closer against me and feeling her warmth enveloping me. “Thank you” She whispered.

“You’re very welcome” I replied, closing my eyes and burying my face in her shoulder.

 

I don’t know how long we stayed there like that, just holding on each other close, breathing each other in. But after what felt like days of the complete silence, hearing nothing but the sound of my own heart beating in rhythm with hers, we let go, and let our eyes keep playing the same song, lingering at each other, saying so much without really saying anything.

Sana cleared her throat and dropped her arms off of my shoulders, her expression coy and bashful. She lifted a hand that held something under her fingers.

 

“What is this?” I asked.

She opened her palm to reveal a key chain with a rounded glass at its end. “It’s something.. an Eid gift!” She answered shyly.

I held up the keychain and looked at it closely, and I could see dried flowers inside the glass ball, and it hit me. “Are these…”

“From our walk way home. Yes” She answered happily, and my heart was instantly filled with so much adoration.

“Did you make this yourself?!”

Sana snorted sarcastically. “Are you joking? I would’ve glued my fingers inside that shit”

I laughed and hugged the small item to my chest. “This is lovely. Thank you” Sana nodded with a grin. “But I didn’t bring you an Eid gift”

She lifted up her eyebrows and raised both hands defensively. “The speech was enough. Trust me. It took me everything not to cry”. I smiled softly at her, shoving the keychain to my pocket. She then looked around like she wanted to find something, then settled her eyes at the back of the room where the balcony was. “Want to get a look?”

“Sure. Let’s see the view Sana Bakkoush keeps bragging about!” I walked after her across the room and opened the door, stepping out to see the whole backyard and everyone there. But the first thing that caught my eyes was the colors of the sky as the sun was setting down behind the trees that surrounded the house and the houses after. The breeze started hitting my face, not very warm but not too cold that it made me shiver. 

 

“Well, it definitely lives up to the standards!” I commented,causing Sana too look at me so proud of herself.

“See?” Was her only reply.

 

I looked down at our hands, mere centimeters from each other, and just grabbed hers, intertwining our fingers together and tugging her closer to my side. I found myself staring at her face and not at the scenery before us, helplessly trying to arrange a few words to blurt out before we had to say goodbye. But all I could come up with was..

 

"I love you" I finally said, because there were no other words that could describe how I really feel right now. Because every time I look at her face, every time I see her smile, he dimples showing up, all I think about is how much I want to see that for the rest of my life, how much I want to wake up to those eyes everyday, those brown, moon-shaped eyes, so beautiful and so full of adoration. I love her. I love the idea of her and I love everything about her, every eye roll, every shy curve of the lips, every frown and every laugh. All the things that make her who she is, her short height, her round cheeks, her horrible skills in cooking, her killer basketball skills, her dark make up, her sassy humor, her religion..   
  
I love every thing that's hers.   
  


Overwhelmed with emotions, I felt a pile growing in my throat. When she turned to look at me, Sana's expression was a mixture between shock and alarm, but not horrified. Her lids fluttered for a second, bringing her other hand to place on my arm. "I love you"    
  


Looking back at where we were a few weeks ago, lost communication, false assumptions and the sadness that developed every time we were in the same room at the same time. I was so lost, unable to decide what to do, but if it wasn’t for Elias and Karin who listened openly to me every time I spilled my guts to them, didn’t give me the talk that I want but the one I need, I don’t think I would be out of that loop. 

 

Maybe falling in love was not my choice, nobody can control their feelings, but taking a step forward and trying to turn the daydreams into reality was. I can’t predict how my life would be from now on now that Sana is a huge part of it, the decisions I make could be different, but I knew that whatever the obstacles were, we have each other to talk to, and find a way to repair the little damages. She has my full support like I know I have hers, and if everything in the world changes, if the universe shifts to another unknown dimension, that will be the one thing that stays the same.

 

I lifted our hands to my mouth and pressed my lips to the back of hers, lingering for a second at the soft skin. Sana giggled shyly and leant her head over my shoulder, as we both stood out there in her little balcony like the world was ours.

Or at least it felt like it was.

 

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAnd we're done :3
> 
> I was thinking so much about this fic and the route I chose in writing it, and I was almost going to delete it because I wasn't very happy with it.  
> But now I think I made the right decisions regarding what to write and what to not.  
> The focus -if it wasn't so obvious- was on Yousef's journey and his own battles, and that's why I didn't focus much on him being non-Muslim, it was more of a bigger issue to Sana, and how she dealt with it was her story, but I tried to include that a little because it's important to address at least.
> 
> Also, I cried writing the last few paragraphs, and cried reading them for the final read pre-post. I actually wrote it before I even made the previous two chapters!
> 
> Thank you for reading my first ever considerably long fic, this started as a draft of only 7 pages. 7!!! Ad now it's 63 pages long and oh my God I can talk so much if I wanted to!  
> Thank you for everyone who commented and showed support. I don't know if I'm ever gonna write another story, but I think I'll miss plotting and creating conversation so much that I might do. We'll see.
> 
> I'm on twitter @vilabelle if you want to find me :D

**Author's Note:**

> I had to delete the first version I posted for this fic because it needed some changes and editing, so I'm posting two chapters now.
> 
> This is my first fic posted here, I hope it's pleasant to read for yall.  
> English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes in advance. I don't have a proof-reader/beta, but I tried my best to make sure it's not awfully full of errors. If there's anything you think I should fix please let me know.
> 
> I am so grateful for the great gift of Sana Bakkoush. Although the last season lacked so many things and left so many questions unanswered, I will always have great respect for Julie Andem and what she had created, a character that means so much to me, and could relate to and understand more than any other character on any other show.
> 
> The writing process is not finished yet so I don't know how long it will take me to post each chapter, but I hope it won't take over a week till the next one.


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